bubblemoth [2013-12-05 18:49:28 +0000 UTC]

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this is a nice twist on a cliché poem, and i love the darker twist you’ve taken here.
so -cracks knuckles- let me put my "i'm not trying to sound harsh just give a fair critique!" face on. sorry if any of this upsets you, and remember: i honestly love this poem a lot! e.deviantart.net/emoticons/l/l… " width="19" height="19" alt="" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="577" title="La la la la"/>

first quick problem: red, not read.

next, some punctuation for clarity. first, remove the semicolon (the ; ), as it isn't necessary there. a comma at the end of the first, third, fifth, seventh, ninth, and eleventh lines would help, as would a full stop on the second, fourth, and eighth lines. for the sixth line, an exclamation mark would add some strong feeling. a question mark is needed at the tenth line as it starts with "how". finally, some triple full stops "..." would help finish the poem nicely. e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s… " width="15" height="15" alt="" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="391" title=" (Smile)"/>

my only big problem with this poem is your flow isn't very smooth. the first two lines are alright: simple words, simple rhyme, and good effect. the third line, though, is clunky and too long for the flow and really breaks it up. the fourth line is also similar, though not as bad, i suggest rewriting these two lines to something a bit different. perhaps "you took it from me and broke it in half/I should’ve known this love wouldn’t last"? of course you don’t have to write it exactly like that - just a guideline!

second verse has the same problem. i think rewording the first part of line two as "I just tried" will improve flow. also, the first two lines deviate from the rhyming scheme a bit: wilt doesn’t really rhyme with help. some closer in rhyming words that fit the theme of this poem that could be used are: guilt, felt, rebuild, quit. at the moment, it breaks the flow of the poem and makes it harder to read.
the fourth line is too long, and really doesn't fit in with the rest of the poem. try something like this:
"you took me under your wing and crept into my heart,
and took your sweet time ripping me apart"
as it keeps the flow going.

the second line of the last verse would read better as "how did i convince myself to ever trust you". and finally - last of the harsher stuff, sorry if i sound really mean! - you mean "too" instead of "to".

honestly, this is really a fantastic poem, and the only problems are punctuation, two spelling mistakes and some flow corrections - all of which are minor and easy to fix! you even said yourself it's a really old poem, so I’m sure your writing has probably improved tons since this was written. there's a lot of raw feeling in this poem which i hope my critique will help you to express easier.
thank you for this wonderful poem and i hope you enjoyed my critique! e.deviantart.net/emoticons/h/h… " width="15" height="13" alt="" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="357" title="Heart"/>

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KuraiTenshiV [2014-02-15 07:22:53 +0000 UTC]

I love it

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ImEandMyself [2013-12-15 19:18:07 +0000 UTC]

waa amazing <33

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Lady-Weavile-461 [2013-12-08 05:31:26 +0000 UTC]

B-Beautiful!

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ferrel01 [2013-12-02 03:30:19 +0000 UTC]

Omg I love it!

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riverofdarkness95 [2013-12-01 23:49:58 +0000 UTC]

This was absolutely amazing and people can definitely relate. Your writing is absolutely beautiful. And this poem shows it tremendously. You put so much meaning into it and I have the utmost respect for you because of that. I love your work. Never stop writing and I only hope that no one has hurt you because honestly through your work I can see that you don't deserve it and your work hits hard. Your amazing.

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