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TheTinkerThinker — Angel Zone R3: Hearts and Spades
#angel #oct #zone
Published: 2018-04-21 01:59:45 +0000 UTC; Views: 174; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 5
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Description
ForFeaturing my opponent Beatrice by
His round is here: angelzoneoct.deviantart.com/ar…
Previous: thetinkerthinker.deviantart.co…
A little moment of introspection.
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Comments: 12
I'm really bad at maintaining my attention for written word but I can see you worked hard! Some details I didn't quite expect such as how you think her broomstick works (there's not really dials but that's a different interpretation) and the allusion to a familiar (not something I really considered nor something I particularly fits in the mafia nature) but I suppose it's my fault for not fleshing the lore of her universe enough lol. This was quite a read though!
Good luck to you my dude, I have an entry to compete with this round!
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Heya, I'm sorry for being quiet all this while and not commenting, but I didn't want to have spoilers for the round. Thanks for reading!
I didn't know the proper word for the twisting parts to manipulate the broomstick, my bad on that. I don't think Beatrice ever had a familiar, but I was trying to portray her 'insecurity voice'. I hope I at least managed to portray her accurately.
Thanks again, and good luck to you too!
(Time to read and comment now)
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I sort of rushed my entry a bit and I was already done by the time the deadline changed so I decided not to overthink it and post it as is. If there's any advice you can give for my entry, I would appreciate it. I don't have a whole lot of confidence in my entry because it wasn't as long or as polished towards the end as yours is.
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Sure thing, I love to give and receive critique. I'll put my thoughts on your entry section.
Any further thoughts on Beatrice's portrayal or such in the final product? It's rushed as well, so I could use some pointers myself.
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I feel like you explain backstories a bit too directly and it takes the out the immersion when getting to know the character. Her dialogue is spot on but her thoughts and narration about her in her introduction especially can be off putting sometimes because it lays out too much information at once. Including thoughts that have to do with what's going on would be a great help instead of outright saying who Magnolia was and stating she was important rather than showing us.
You also had Carbarros's backstory clip (as interesting and well written it is) to take a decent chunk in the story, and when it's in the middle, it can also slight the immersion. I suggest cutting back and forth occasionally when it would feel natural or casually alluding to it when it's relevant.
It was also an odd choice to have the perspective not only change in the middle of the story to show a different character's backstory, but also to narrate so directly from my character's point of view. It's not the latter fact itself, but more the fact that I'm somewhat distracted while reading as I'm more likely to notice the dissonance in how our versions are portrayed (which I'm sure you felt similarly when I made mistakes with Carbarros), but it's not necessarily something I can fault you for as it was a risk you were willing to take and I respect risks in writing along with that you did nail her anger on the head towards the end. I suggest in the future, sending more questions and communicating more on an opponents character just to double check how it will work.
Over all, you have a unique writing style and I appreciate the care you put into this. You kept the pace consistent and your descriptions are rather interesting, it sets up exactly what we're supposed to be looking at.
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Also witches and backstabbing bitches is really funny
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Ah, thank you for the detailed feedback. You brought up many points I was feeling as well.
Backstories and such make me wish I could do comics to cut down on the transition awkwardness. On hindsight I should have probably stuck with less POVs. I hope I did justice to Beatrice's portrayal (I didn't find anything awkward about your writing of Cabarros, so no worries there).
Thanks again. I hope we can chat again more directly on Discord, and all the best in the rounds to come.
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It was mainly the more abstract details, don't worry. And the broomstick part really was just a nitpick. I'm glad we could actually discuss, this is the first round where I have an opponent's entry to compare with
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Oh, and I'm sorry to say but I'm not too active on discord but if you want to talk to me directly, you can send me a note and your username and I'll make sure to pull it up
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My pleasure. Likewise, it took until Round 3 for me to have something to read on the other end.
Timezones are tricky things. I'm GMT + 8 hours FYI.
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oof, I'm on North America's east coast..
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12 hours apart, it seems. Could be worse.
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