Comments: 15
Shadowzxv [2011-12-09 04:39:04 +0000 UTC]
Let's see here, critiqueing. I'm bad at this...
A'ight, Descriptions of the town gave a very vivid image with a definate feel to it. Almost like a matching asthetic, I guess. Now the only thing I can recomend in that department is a few more writing mechanics. You know, some metaphors and similies could help. I notice you like to use descriptions a lot of a lot, and it tends to create a little bit of word repetition. TBH though, you did a pretty damn good job with the setting.
Second part, Romance. Hrm... Well, there's a definate feel of caring far before you even used that word, and implied history beyond what the two said to each other suggests a romantic sort of relationship. It seems a little bit too much like the bond between friends though, or a brother and sister. I dunno how to help you with that though, I'm not the guy to ask about romantic writing. It's my hair that draws the chicks in.
Third part is Theme. Theme is self-forgiveness. A little hard to pick up on, honestly. Once you said it in he description I did start to understand, but it sounded like he was trying more to forget his past than forgive himself.
The characters have a lot of range to branch out, you did good with them. The pacing is EXCELLENT, I must say, and the mysterious factor is well executed. There is obviously something different about this man.
Overall, I thought it was pretty awesome. Just thought I'd give a harsh critique cuz you'd like that. Only thing that bugs me is re-occuring words in the same sentence/couple sentences, and adjective-only-based description. (Which isn't necessarily bad, just could be made better with some variation)
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Shadowzxv In reply to Thiefswipe [2011-12-09 14:55:53 +0000 UTC]
Lol, you did. I was trying pretty hard to critique it, it was pretty damn good.
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Magnius159 [2011-12-08 15:54:48 +0000 UTC]
This was pretty good for practice. I read the entire thing. @_@
Flow, pace, vocabulary, characterization are good. The only issue I had was the visual description of the two characters - especially the guy. 2-3 paragraphs of how he looks is too much. You can probably knock like 80% of that off.
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Magnius159 In reply to Thiefswipe [2011-12-09 13:14:25 +0000 UTC]
Of course you can describe how a person looks, but doing it in consecutive 3paragraphs -- no matter how well it's written, is blah. I personally glanced over the the entire paragraph(s) after reading the first 2-3 sentences of the guy's description.
A lot of books don't even give a description of the protagonist beyond the color of his hair, eyes and general stature of him - this includes any deviations from the norm ie: moles, birthmarks, walking with a limp, etc. Giving the reader the liberty of imagining how the character looks through his personality revealed through the story allows the reader to further connect to your protag. I'm not saying this is true for everyone/everytime, so take my advice as you will.
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Magnius159 In reply to Thiefswipe [2011-12-13 05:19:20 +0000 UTC]
no, don't feel bad. it just makes for awkward conversations. who likes that?
if you feel so strongly about how your character looks, you can always put it all in your piece. just not dedicate 3paragraphs in a row to it.
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Magnius159 In reply to Thiefswipe [2011-12-13 05:48:17 +0000 UTC]
lol, we're still conversing so it can't be that bad.
sorry, i probably got sidetracked and forgot to answer you.
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Magnius159 In reply to Thiefswipe [2011-12-13 06:10:58 +0000 UTC]
hahaha, now, it's awkward.
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