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vix0r — Star-crossed
Published: 2008-09-14 18:44:56 +0000 UTC; Views: 599; Favourites: 11; Downloads: 10
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Description
I imagineyour touch,
a tender skin only barely
hiding cold, jagged glass.
I exult in your caress,
though you shiver
and draw away.
I hearandtasteandsmell
the saccharine on your voice,
the kind reserved for
confection and antifreeze,
as you apologize yourself
away from me.
We seek in sames and opposites,
like Orion chasing Scorpio
chasing Orion.
You fear me your poison,
but I want you to sting me,
to drain that toxin and empty yourself.
Fill me to the eyes with it,
that you might again become Pisces,
become Virgo,
become Gemini.
So—
collapse this world between us;
we’ll compact it,
crush it into nothing,
no one, nowhere,
just us,
hearts in hand,
already let go and reeling.
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Comments: 28
Well for starters I'm glad to hear that you were pleased with it-it's always difficult, when it comes to your own work, to get to a place where you can look at it objectively and say 'yep, i think she's about done' 
I, personally, really liked it-you spoke about word choices and stanza lengths (and shortnesses) and I have to say, from my perspective, that the somewhat fragmented nature of the language (emphasised by the lengths of your stanzas and the cut-off points for your verses) combined with your choice of some incredibly strong and evocative key words and imagery came together to create a fairly cohesive and very intense piece that, i believe, did justice to the kind of atmosphere and experience that you were trying to channel
At least, in life-in a raw and intense moment-our thoughts are seldom cohesive, the strange snippets and verses that resound in our heads aren't coherent-more than anything there's just this lingering impression of feeling and intensity...
As such, I believe you channeled that-that strangely breathless 'grasping for words' feeling whilst still maintaining cohesion and a kind of raw introspection that i found very compelling. So well done and take care
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I connected with this right away, very effective conveyance of that feeling and the sweeping away.. .
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I really like the first stanza, great buzz to it!
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Thank you! I'm glad you like it!
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Your flavorful sense of imagery has been heightened by the strong verbs you used. Nice work!
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Wow, thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it!
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the zodiac references = a really nice original touch on some classic imagery. it works brilliantly
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Thanks, I was in love with constellations and the zodiac when I was a kid. It's fun to remember some of those stories and try to work them into my works. I'm glad you enjoyed this!
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tender work - soft and inviting of intimacy in so many ways
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I want to hear you reciting this poem. Taking the pauses to breathe and spill such strong words; tense and vibrating beneath the fluctuating vocal chords stringing such pleasing rhythms. I feel this strong and forsaken enjambment draws you in against your will. You pause at the commas to breathe, to follow in gentle steps through letters arranged into spaces, arranged into verses and into stanzas.
I see this uncomfortable space between a kiss. she pulls away, she apologizes for the venom of her raw breath. It's a cosmetic apology both forsake and ignore, you want to inject yourself with her presence. There's this back and forth tittering, chasing after each other and retreating. Shy love, I'd personally call it.
I love this. Pardon me for intruding with my personal interpretation of this piece. This is inspiring, entices, seduces.
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Hahaha, thank you! I love hearing people's personal interpretations! I'm glad you can get so much out of this (as evidenced by your response poem!), and I'm glad you like it!
I'm sure I'll read it in dALive sometime!
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The line 'You fear me your poison' bugs me a little bit, but I guess it makes sense after a couple of reads. If you're happy with it, that's great, but I tripped up so I thought I'd better tell you. Other than that, I should say it's pretty much perfect!
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Hmmm yeah I know what you mean. When I wrote it, it was a bit... I dunno, 'off' for me. But I just don't think I could write quite the same thing without sacrificing sound and meaning and... well, anyway, I'll keep looking at that. Thanks for pointing it out!
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You're too kind! 
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I like this one, it gives off a different feel than most love poems ( and you know how much I like those )
I don't know... It gave me chills, especially the second stanza.
Well done!
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Haha well thank you! I'm especially glad you liked it, especially given your aversion to poems of this type!
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lol.. you are quite welcome!!
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Awesome. Kinda creepy if you think of it outside the pov. I dig it!
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Very nice! I love the images this conjures up.
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Thank you! I'm glad you liked it!
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