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vix0r — another untitled
Published: 2008-09-16 11:16:13 +0000 UTC; Views: 549; Favourites: 5; Downloads: 9
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Description
to(our
e
yes
me
et)
get
her
ness
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Comments: 17
BRILLIANT. Cummings himself would be proud. It's such a perfect imitation, right down to the part enclosed in parentheses! And it's more than in imitation - it's part of you. You took the idea and ran. WELL DONE.
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that's...interesting. the ness at the bottom totally throws me off...but in a way it's really the best part of the piece. i really like this piece, even though it's totally new to me.
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I love it. Cummings is by far my favorite poet for his style mixed with his artistic edge.
Your spacing as well as message folded down the writing plane is beautiful.
bravo
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it's cool, a nice interpretation of cummings' style, and a good little poem in its own right
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Wow. That's exactly like something Cummings would write. I've read it loads of times already in all different ways. I think it could use an extra 'o', to make 'togetherness'. Or, indeed, 'Oh, get her!' Although that's not a phrase I've ever heard a non-English person use.
On the first few reads, I really like it. The lone 'ness' on the end does bug me a little bit - I bet there's more you could do with that. Our old friend E.E. probably would utilise that to better effect. But yeah, good one.
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I'm not sure why you think it's missing an o, though. I've looked it over, and I definitely have 'togetherness' and 'our eyes meet' in their entirety.
I chose to put the o from togetherness at the beginning, though, because to(o hides two forms of to (too), ironically (and intentionally) omitting the third homophone, two.
Anyway, I'm glad you like it! I'm not sure what to do with the ness, if anything. In l(a, cummings just tossed the 'iness' away at the bottom of the poem, so I kind of did the same. I can't think of anything meaningful to squeeze out of it, I'm afraid.
Thank you, as always!
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Well, I can tell you that I think this is brilliant, but I've never read the E. E. Cummings poem "I(a)." I tried the link you left in order to leave you a thoughtful comment in context, but it didn't work for me. Then I tried to google it and came up empty handed. 
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ah, I'm sorry that link didn't work! It's a shame; I chose it because it's not only a link to the poem, but also to a brief examination of the poem which I think explains a lot of what's going on that might not be apparent to first-time readers.
Failing the link in my artist's comments, you can go here or here for the poem and (in the former's case) another brief discussion of the piece.
The reason it wasn't showing up in google is because the first letter is not I, but L, and (in some cases), is actually a 1. I've seen it recorded as both 1 and l, so I guess it's up to the reader to decide which one is better. I like them both.
Anyway, thank you for the delightful comment and please let me know how reading l(a changes your opinion of this piece!
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Ok, so now that I've read it in context, I can say more. Yay!
Firstly, I agree with you in that I have no idea what she (the lovely lady below) means about the extra "o." I think your poem is more brilliant than Cummings' in the sense that you say more with yours than he did with his, but in another sense, his poem was written as it was because of the idea of a leaf falling. Unless you're making a reference to "falling" in love, than I don't understand what the structure itself contributes. But I do like how "get her" is distingued. I think there might be something you can do about the "yes" and "me," as they say a lot together when considering the "get her" concept as well. Right now, I do agree that "ness" at the end is a bit lonely, but I'm not sure that anything can be done about that. I also feel that "me/ et)" isn't accomplishing anything structurally. All this being said, these are only things that could be different, but I don't feel like this poem necessarily needs improving either. I hope you know what I mean. Brilliant, I'd say.
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The bit about the original poem being vertically arranged to represent a leaf falling is... well, I would say it's speculative. I definitely see where that interpretation comes from, but I don't think cummings himself ever said that that was his intention... so while I see where that interpretation arises, I tend to think it's one of the least important aspects of the poem, and personally I think a lot of other things are more important (the lone l's looking like 1's, the way the poem reads 'la le af fa' at the beginning, which is just an amazingly playful use of the letters involved, the highlighting of 'one' in loneliness, etc...). Anyway, I can live with the vertical arrangement for my poem, because there's no other way to get such line breaks and highlight visual puns like that. I could do a haphazard horizontal and vertical arrangement, but that just requires more formatting and makes the piece harder to read.
I considered putting 'yes me' together and putting spaces around it, but I decided not to, because I was trying to highlight that they were individually present ('yes' in eyes and 'me' in meet)... so I think I like it this way better than the alternative. I've tried it both ways a lot, actually, and it's been hard to decide.
I'm not sure what you mean about 'me/et)' accomplishing anything structurally. I had to divide meet as such to highlight 'me,' and there's only so much that can be done with the leftovers I'm afraid!
I think I do know what you mean, and I appreciate the time and thought you've given this piece! 
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To clarify that, with the "me/et" part, I was mostly referring to how "yes/me" would accomplish MORE. But like I said, improvements not actually needed because they may not really be improvements at all.
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Ah. Yeah, I'm of two minds about that. Maybe I'll try to come back to this piece in a week or so and see if some time helps me decide between the two.
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