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WordOfChen β You Left Me Stronger
Published: 2012-11-20 16:10:09 +0000 UTC; Views: 201110; Favourites: 1106; Downloads: 176
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You Left Me Stronger:Hey there, it's been awhile, do you remember me?
I guess you might not, since I wasn't very important to you.
You know, I spent so many days thinking about - what I did wrong
I questioned if maybe, I was at fault or if I was screwed up.
I thought a lot about the things you said...
The things that were my fault, my problems.
I took them to heart at first, but then I realised you were wrong.
I realised that you are selfish and ugly on the inside.
On the surface you pretended to care, but like a cancer;
You amputate someone the moment you think they've gone bad.
You hide from the rigours of life and only emerge like a parasite
When everything is good - when everything is fine and dandy.
I used to think that I was afraid of you leaving,
But now I know, that you've left me stronger than I was before.
You know, this was supposed to be an emotional whine; an emotional spill,
Maybe I was supposed to cry tears and beg you to come back, but you know what
I just don't need you anymore.
-Chen Yuan Wen, 20th November 2012
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Comments: 362
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All-in-all this poem is really good but there is room for improvement.
In the line "You know, I spent so many days thinking about - what I did wrong" the hyphen seems unnecessary and like it's breaking up a line that does not need to be broken up, but that is just being picky on my part.
When you say "but like a cancer, you amputate someone the moment you think they've gone bad" the metaphor seems off since doctors don't amputate when someone has cancer, they surgically remove the cancer.
Now away from the negativity: Where the final line is in bold it really adds emphasis to the point that all is not lost when a relationship fails so it really adds to the poem drastically in a simple way which is always nice to see e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b⦠" width="15" height="15" alt="
My reasoning behind my ratings are:
Vision - 5 stars because you never wavered from the feeling that this is to show a train of thought leading up to the final realization that you are now stronger because of the way you were mistreated while with the person it's toward.
Originality - 3.5 stars because post break-up poems are all over DeviantArt and the same theme of the other person being a terrible person is in a lot of them. I've read of the other seeming parasitic/cancerous before also so it drops the rating half a point.
Technique - 5 stars because the street/urban accent you said to read it in really works wonders for it and makes it seem more legit, almost like it's being recited by someone as you walk past. It seems honest and heartfelt even if it wasn't based on your personal experiences, and that takes talent to accomplish.
Impact - 4.5 stars because after reading though plenty of the comments you received on this most of them show that this really impacted the individual but, personally, I don't get anything from it since I've wrote about the same concept myself plenty of times so it dropped it half a star.
This is my first critique so I'm not really sure if the reasoning behind my stars is important or not but I wanted to stand out amongst the other critiques. Anyways I hope I did a half decent job and good work Captain e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b⦠" width="15" height="15" alt="
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It's technically not a hyphen, but my keyboard doesn't accommodate the right symbols unless I write in word and manually insert it. Anywho the pause there was intended to add to the tension since it makes you stop unnecessarily and re-read to get the rhythm restarted. If it is comfortable, it is glossed over easily :3
Other than that, thank you for the critique ^^
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
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First off, I would just like to tell you how much I love this type of poem, so if the rest of this is horribly biased, that's why.
The beginning of the poem gives a good sense of slight confusion and it sounds like the speaker is almost incredulous. It move into a more sarcastic tone towards the middle before jumping straight to the heart of the problem, the cancerous parasite. You use great descriptive words to show just how messed up and hypocritical this person is. I really like the end especially because you go back to focusing on the speaker and his thoughts. The last two lines in particular are excellent. The biting, harsh reality of the last line is very final and a fitting way to end the poem and any last vestiges of attachment that may have lingered on either side of the relationship. Very vivid overall.
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Something everyone has gone through, and something I think everyone should go through: a tough relationship-- or furthermore, a tough breakup.
It's painful, but ultimately I find you learn the most from a relationship once it's over. It's a learning experience and a token of wisdom. You're feeling a very reasonable way and expressing it. Your poem is and doesn't condescend.
However, I personally think your poem could use some individuality. I feel like it's lost in basics and clumsy metaphors.
I can definitely feel this is running on raw emotion; a lot of hurt and anger and self-righteousness. You state that you have found yourself and now stand on your own two feet, but I remain unconvinced as a reader.
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Thank you for the critique. However, if you mark me down on metaphors or the like, you must cite examples and demonstrate a proper use of them.
Reason being, when you actually write a piece, the raw emotion should be what matters more than the metaphors used. This is a spoken word piece (NOT free verse or traditional) therefore, it should be spoken as is and I will be doing a reading of this live to demonstrate how it is spoken. Remember, urban and spoken word is very different to free verse and traditional, a lot of the conventions of poetry disappear.
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
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...Give me a break....
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*breaks you* okay :3
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
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Thank you for your gracious response!
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Most welcome friend ^^
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
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Think the story is very nice and I experience similar in life, but to make it stronger I have a suggestion for the next four sentences.
I realised that you are selfish and ugly on the inside.
On the surface you pretended to care, but like a cancer;
You amputate someone the moment you think they've gone bad.
You hide from the rigours of life and only emerge like a parasite
I think the difference between the first sentence and the second is quite big, calling someone selfish and in the next phrase a "cancer" is for me a big step. So I would like to see that you increase it by steps and I think you already did that with the sentences afterwards, so maybe shuffle them around and end with the second phrase.
It would mean that you probably need to re-phrase something but I do think that the gap between the two is quite big.
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I think that this particular part about the poem is entirely subjective, the switch between what you feel is soft and something heavy, is what delivers the impact for me. On that basis I cannot accept this critique as it is based on a subjective criteria
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
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It is definately subjective but just venting my opinion
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Nah that's alright :3 You're welcome to it but I can't accept it is all because subjective taste varies largely.
I am actually releasing a critiquing guide soon, to demonstrate how to do a proper objective critique marked on a scale without putting in a subjective opinion (which is not allowed in a critique) xD
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
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Cool 
Thanks for understanding
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Nope, your understanding of writing is probably correct xD However, in critiques there are certain things that are allowed and certain things that aren't allowed. A subjective response is one of them because of the unfair (instant fail criteria) is 'not objective'. Which is why it has to be graded kind of like a school assignment, but I'll explain more soon. Guide should be up tomorrow ^^
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
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this really hit me hard. it really relates to a situation im dealing with atm
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Thank you for enjoying it ^^ and I hope your situation gets better.
I was dealing with a similar one even recently, but now I'm better ^^
- Β Chennie
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Ya know.... When I get bullied(Still do), the friends I had since Kindergarden and 1-3 grade were the only people I thought I could trust, yeah, they were WORSE then some of the bullys.... Damnit, I'm really loving your work so far.
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Hey I love your lyrics I was wondering if I could use them for the musical episode of my show
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Go ahead as long as you credit me ^^
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
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ok thanks
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Follow what I wrote under my poem "Chen Yuan Wen", that's my name. Make sure to link me ^^
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i like it!! it reminds me of when I was proud and glad I left my ex husband
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Hit me deeply. I can relate this to a friend, the very friend I showed this to the other day. She was crying by the end of it. She has been through so much. I think this helped her. She is happier, and has moved on and become stronger for herself.
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I can really relate to this, now I'm glad he broke up with me, that alone made me stronger, confident, faithful, sadly for him, not the change he would've wanted, apparently having a talented, creative artist as your girlfriend is too much for his science-driven mind to handle, oh well, his loss, I'll certainly never make the same mistake again when it'll come to love, and I'm certainly never gonna go back to him should he ask me to.
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I love this. Getting over someone you love or thought you love is one of the hardest things you can do. It literally kills you inside. Once you beat it though, once you realize you are more and stronger you feel like a burden has been lifted off of you. Of freedom. Great poem!
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Agreed, definitely a lot of pain and misery involved in that
It does help you get stronger afterward though :3
-Captain Chen of the Black Fedora Pirates
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I love this poem, it's excactly how I feel right now, your words have made me think about it and you're right. The feeling you have when someone who said he loves you and he doens't mean a word of it, is terrible. But after a while, you figure out that you have really learnt something from it, you are stronger. And nothing will tear you down.
Respect from the Netherlands.
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Thank you for enjoying this piece my dear friend ^^
-Captain Chen of the Black Fedora Pirates
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I saw this as an example when submitting a poem and searched it straight after! It's sooo good
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The last line being in bold really does wonders, it makes the whole thing hit like a truck. Very powerful, I love it.
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It makes me cry. It happened to me before, and now it's happening to me again. I kept thinking what's wrong with me and why I felt unimportant all of a sudden to this particular person.
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I actually started to cry when I read this, because I know how it feels. I constantly feel this way with my relationship, or lack of, with my father. He did something recently, that once again makes me wonder if I should even bother trying to have a relationship with him because he hardly does anything to even try to have a relationship with me. He blames it on me, when he's the one who does nothing to try and fix it.
Thank you for this poem and all the other wonderful ones you have written.
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i relate to this...some recent stuff going on and this poem tells exactly how i'm felling: "Maybe I was supposed to cry tears and beg you to come back, but you know what
I just don't need you anymore."
nuff said! feeling much stronger :]
great job touching my soul
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Very lovely poem! It's amazing how well it fits with what I'm going through right now. Well done! You basically put the last few months of my life together in this poem. I will deffinately share this with my friends!
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This is EXACTLY how I felt when my first boyfriend left me for another girl because I didn't give it out to him, that was about 4 years ago now. It took me some time to realize these things, but I'm so glad I did
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There's nothing I can say about this that probably hasn't already been said, but thank you.
Thank you so much for putting my past year and a half into words.
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I'm not ashamed to say that I nearly got teary eyed reading this; but for the exact reasons you summed up - it's an awe inspiring 'recovery' poem.
You, my friend, have summed up exactly how I feel, and for that, I thank you.
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Hey, this was me and my first boyfriend exactly~
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This poem helped remind me that leaving someone behind can be a good thing, and that the things they made you believe about yourself are not true at all. Thank you; this poem is true, and truth is what a lot of people in this situation need.
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you know what? i fucking needed this tonight. thanks.
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This poem means so much to me. This is exactly how I feel about someone and I really connect with this. Thank you.
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This was great! I can really relate to this, I'm going through a terrible falling-out with my supposed best friend, and this poem really describes how I feel at this point. Love it!
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This sounds like me after four years of my parent's separation.
Beautifully brilliant and appropriate^^
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