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Description
Author's Note:
WHY DID I DO THIS. IT'S TWELVE AM IN THE MORNING AND i STILL HAVE TO WAKE UP AT FOUR AM TOMORROW. GAHD. #SUCHLIFEDECISIONS
I OWN NOTHING BUT THE PLOT.
THIS CONTAINS PROFANITIES. BE WARNED.

Confessions:
What We Lost

You were greeted by a dimly illuminated room the moment your eyes cracked open. You looked around, head still light on your shoulders from last night. This was Daiki's apartment, you registered.

Then, you looked at the snoring body beside you. Daiki's back was turned to you, as usual. You automatically noticed how his hair was starting to get longer. An overwhelming desire to comb your fingers through his hair came up. But you know you shouldn't - your stay had been long overdue.

You should leave, definitely. But, it's not like he'll notice, right? This guy sleeps like a bear on hibernation. He won't notice. Right.

That's not the point, you mentally scolded yourself.

With a sigh, you picked up the pieces of your previously discarded clothing, and slipped them on with out a single beat missed. Then, you took a look at the time.

The clock read, "5:47."

There's still time, you attempted to convince the other side of you that proved to be so stubborn. A lot of time.

But you digressed; you knew you had to leave. Another look back, another second lost. And there it was again - that one feeling in your chest. It felt like you were being impaled. If only you knew your little puppy-love would end up like something this...

If only- you stopped your thoughts there. This wasn't right, you reminded yourself.

Without another thought, you left.

...

You decided to go to the grocery store to pick up some ingredients for the next two weeks. He popped up your mind, not a second longer. You vaguely wondered if he even buys food like this. The last time time you saw his fridge, it looked like it was gagging on canned alcohol and maji-burgers.

How unhealthy...

Before you knew it, you were dragging a plastic bag of a week-worth of groceries back to the blue-haired man's apartment.

Scooping up the key he kept hidden under his welcome-mat, you breathed in, please don't wake up. But the door had other plans - other motherfucking plans. It creaked throughout the room, like someone just decided to suddenly anally fist a choir of banshees. You cursed under your breath. But thank god for Daiki's ability to remain in the state of stupor under the craziest of circumstances.

You stepped into his kitchen, placing the groceries to their designated cabinets with haste. Then, you opened his fridge and just. God. Dammit. Daiki.

In it was basically the same as it was before, other than, of course, the piece of lingerie sitting proudly on top of a half-eaten burger. You placed the remaining groceries inside, whilst taking the clothing article.

Hell knew who this belonged to. After all, he had a handful of women in his disposal. You'd long grown accustomed to that. Sure, at first, that fact made you feel dirty - it made you feel like your skin was the most revolting thing you could be in. But you learned to accept that, at some point. Sure, accepting it didn't make it less wrong, but it sure did make you feel less shitty.

You only hope that he didn't see you as one of them.

You shouldn't even be thinking about this, you remind yourself. Pushing the thought away, you took some eggs and pancake mix. Might as well...

You mixed the ingredients in a bowl, adding cinnamon to the concoction since he liked his pancakes like that. Then, you melted a slab of butter on a pan. After, you poured a ladle-full of batter on it, flipping the pancakes once air-bubbles appeared. Not long after, you finished with two pairs of three-story pancakes.

You set them on disposable plates you got from the store, because you were pretty sure he wouldn't even bother to wash his dishes, mold -free or otherwise.

You took a seat on his dining table, putting his plate on the stop in front of you. Then, you began to eat.

You take a look at that empty space in front of. You shouldn’t have done that. A pang of pain ran through your nerves, despite telling yourself that you didn't even have the right to feel this way.

But you couldn't help it. You missed him so fucking much - You missed spending time with him - You just fucking missed eating with him. But you knew that you couldn't have that again. It was different now - You were different; he was different. Maybe it wasn't just meant to be? You could almost hear a part of scream no.

If only...

You were so goddamned thirsty for what had been, and so much more for what could have. You could feel your chest gradually ripping itself apart, hurting and hurting - until all you could think about was the pain. Damn it, once it was like this you knew it'd be hard to calm yourself down. Fuck.

You want to help?

Your lungs heaved, begging for air that just refused to be received. Or maybe it was the other way around. You didn’t know. But what you did know was that breathing was now officially the hardest thing as of the moment next to loving Daiki.

Then comfort me.

His voice from the past resonated through your mind like a resurrected nightmare. It sounded like a coarse hopelessness had wrapped itself with his voice.

Why did you acquiesce? Why couldn't you read through him? Why couldn't you just fucking realize how much pain he was in?

You should've realized sooner that what he needed was love, and not just another body to lay with. Sure, it’d been three years, but the scar was still as fresh.

Why did have to be too late?

"Satsuki?" That was when your blood ran cold. He couldn't see you like this. Then, You heard him tumble through the sheets, probably trying to get up.

You had to hurry. You silently thank god for letting the shock snap you out from your reminiscent reverie. Taking the unfinished pancake, you stuffed it in your face and you dropped the untouched ones on his share. After which, you skedaddled your way to his shoe-rack. There was no fucking way you were abandoning your new chucks.

Oh god you needed to set your priorities straight. Then you remembered the reason why you were here in the first place. You seriously need to get them straight.

You made your way to the front door, grabbing your shoes in the process. You tried to slip them on.

Key word: "Tried."

Why the fuck did you have to bring high-tops? Your hands fumbled trough the laces, attempting to loosen it enough for you foot to actually fit. You had one foot in by the time he managed to get ass in the living room. Your back was facing him, so he wouldn't see you face.

"Oi, Satsuki- Oh," his voice was dry from sleep.

"Sorry," your voice didn't break, hallefuckingluiah. After all, you had a long time to practice. "I woke up late.

"And I made pancakes," you slipped in your other shoe. "I hope you don't mind, though. I was hungry."

He grunts, so you assumed it was alright. Not long after, you stood to leave, "See you, I guess."

You could have sworn that there was some part of you that wanted him to call you out - to ask you to stay, even just the slightest bit.

Ask.

You grab the doorknob.

Ask.

You twisted it.

Ask.

You pushed the door open.

Ask.

You stepped out.

Ask.

You motioned to close the door.

PLEASE.

Needless to say, he didn't.

...

You breathed in Daiki's scent, inhaling it like scarce necessity. It was a soporific nexus of a pleasant stasis that made you feel like you were gradually being lifted up into thin air - weightless. And listening to his heartbeat contributed to that. You could feel your heart gradually match his, as if he was some kind of pacemaker. That's one of the things you loved most about him - he made you feel so calm.

A flash.

You looked into the cerulean splatter of his eyes, and in that very moment you realized that both of you probably felt the same. You knew because those were the same eyes - the same eye you look upon him with. They contained the same intensity, the same warmth, the same emotion:

Love.

Surely, there was no need for words?

A solitary thing bothered you, though. Why did those eyes look at you with such sadness?

A flash.

Wrong. You were wrong.

You could feel you guts convulse and cavort. It was like your entire body was being messed up from the inside: Your eyes, flooding; your, lungs, aching; your heart,
shattering. Your body was rejecting everything.

You thought you meant something to him. You thought these feelings meant something to him. You thought this entire thing meant something.

But, apparently, it didn't. Why else you he be kissing that girl with such intensity?

Why?

A flash.

"He needs you, [L/N]-san," Kuroko told you for the the umpteenth time.

He needed you? How so? That definitely didn’t seem like the case when he was eating up that girl's face like someone injected an overdose of hormones in him.

"No, he doesn't."

A flash.

It was raining.

Each drop touched your skin like a dismembered icicle, while the wind took an active stride. It was as if nature was complicit with the odds: They were both against you. Not long after, you body seemed to join in in the little mutiny.

Your legs were dead-tired and long bruised from walking for who knew how long, looking. But you still moved on, you needed to. You had to find him.

Where the fuck is he?

But not a moment longer, you had to pause to take in the salty air. Breathe, you reminded yourself. Breathe.

Then, there he was.

A flash.

"I-I want to help," you couldn't stop your teeth from clattering and talking proved to be such a feat.

"You want to help?" His had a warped disdain.

"Yes," you tattled closer to him forcing your feet to move, only to have him move back. "P-please let m-me."

"Then comfort me."

Then, a flash of light burst. However, you didn’t wince – In fact there was no pain, not even a mere sting.

But you did feel like an accused under the detective’s lamp – exposed. Dread found its way within your blood. You could hear it flow over the sound of your wheezing lungs. You realized: You were running.

To what exactly?

Even you, yourself, didn’t know the answer. But then, you called out, “D̵̷̵̢̞̖̲̳̝̺͔̫̭͓̘̝̤͎̬͖̙a̴̴̡̨͓̮͇̻͉̫̱̲͡į̷̬͍̙̙͜͡͝k̷̷͏̬̪̮͍͚͘i̵̢͎͚̤̝͉̞͡.”

Who?

“D̢̲̱̖̻̱á͎̜̣͈͔͕̫̭̥i̭̪͟ḱ̷̹̖̤i̤͠.”

Oh.

“Dai̢k͞i͞.”

Warmth spreads on your face, as your knees give. You hit the ground like a ragdoll abandoned by its most beloved master. The heat seemed to extensity itself even more, as yet another realization dawned on you: You were crying.

“Daiki! Help.”

Heat was later replaced the cold sweat, as a hand came in contact with your skin.

Then, there was pain.

A scream penetrated through the dense blanket of silence. Suddenly, everything was out of focus. The scenery blurred, then focused, then blurred even more, until there was only a sensation – a sensation of falling. Not a second later, you landed, your eyes waking up to another pair you had longed to see for the longest time. Daiki was there, looking at you with those same eyes – those eyes from the past. Your heart skipped a beat. But it was only for the briefest moment.

Then, you took note - you were having a nightmare, and he was trying to wake you up. His hand was still on your wrist, you noticed. For some reason, it seemed as if he couldn’t let go.

Why?

“W-what are you doing here; how’d you get in?” you began with that croaky voice. Talking felt like shit. With that, he stepped away. It’s been a month since you’ve last seen him. You wondered why he suddenly showed up.

“Well, aren’t you just a li’l ball of sunshine? Also, you’re fucking welcome,” he said nonchalantly. “And the thing is about houses, if you don’t want people to get in, you don’t hide a key under a potted plant.”

“Says the guy who leaves his key under the mat. ”

“Oh, shut up.” He plopped himself on the side of your bed, leaning his back on the wall. You couldn’t help but wonder why he was here. Usually, he’d just randomly ring you up and ask you to go to his place. This was just so uncharacteristic. Given that, your mind just naturally jumped into a myriad of conclusions. But that only got you so far, so you decided to ask the person in question himself.

“What’re you doing here, Daiki?” For some reason, his voice never seemed to come out the same when you say it outside your mind – like it had been wrung dry.

He gestured to the paper-bag on the dresser, “I came to return the stuff you left in my apartment, and this.”

You pushed yourself up from the sheets to take the smaller paper-bag he was handing you. It looked like one of those things you got from the cute accessory shops. The prospect of Daiki going into those shops was… Well, Out-of-character would be an understatement. You scoffed.

“What?! You’ve got a problem with that?” he burst out, but it only served to amuse you even more. For the first time in a really long time, it felt as though things were normal. A euphoric heat surfaces in your chest, gradually thawing away the ice you didn’t even know was there in the first place. It made you happy, despite already knowing it wasn’t possible to bring anything back.

You smiled, “What’s this for?”

Opening the bag, you saw a wooden treasure-box. It wasn’t anything too extravagant – just a few etchings on the lid and body, but its simplicity was its primary source of beauty. Somehow, it made the already present warmth grow stronger, like your chest was now housing a small fire. You knew this wasn’t good – you knew that this feeling, like all before, would be for naught. You glanced at the perpetrator.

Just what was he playing at, really?

“It’s a thank-you gift.”

“For what? The groceries?” you tried to sound hostile, but you just couldn’t. The heat was spreading too fast, and that scared you. Up until now, you had worked hard to suppress your feelings for him, so you didn’t have to go through the torture of being left behind again and again. But how is it that he could simply send you teetering over the edge with just a few words and a gift?

“That, and everything else,” that voice sounded too familiar – it was the one you’ve always patiently waited to hear throughout the years, yet a voice whose arrival you’ve already given up on. His tone played as pirouetting allegro of a fleeting summer breeze, but more than anything it was alive.

That made your chest ignite to flames you couldn’t even hope to assuage, burning down the walls you hadn’t realized you’ve built. You’d fallen for him once before, and hell knew you’d fall again.

You voice came out like swift rift in the stagnancy of the air as you joked, “You sound like you’re going away forever.”

“I am.”

You could have sworn you heard a crack resonate from the abyss of your mind, as that warmth you were so happy to conceive slipped away like the sand in a tipped hourglass.

What did he just say?

“Well, maybe not forever but you get what I mean.”

He was wrong, you didn’t. You didn’t understand why – after saying all that – and now this! It didn’t make any sense. He didn’t make any sense. Everything just seemed like a snake that masqueraded itself beneath a favorable outcome, awaiting the perfect moment to attack.

You could feel your body act up on you again – turning against you in ties its help proved to be crucial. Your heartbeat was racing at a dangerously fast rate, and you struggled to breathe. A cold sweat rushed over your body. You knew this scenario all too well.

But Daiki had long stood up. The scene seemed to play in slow-motion, solely to prolong your that stabbing pain in your now unarmored heart. It hurt more than any other emotional pronging you had received before. This was on another stratum of painful – this was the homespun artifice of regret – this was killing off a part of you you’ll never be able to replace.

But that was when it clicked: The question, the stupidity, the madness, the pain – he wanted to punish himself.

The next thing you knew, you were running. It felt all too familiar – running and running. It’d always been towards him, hadn’t it?

“Stay!” your voice came out like a hoarse shriek, but that hardly mattered. “I swear, Daiki. If you take another towards that door-”

Every inch of him tensed up like he’d just been shot, “What?” A dark chuckle escaped his lips. “What exactly would you do – what the hell can you do?”

That pissed you off.

“I will motherfucking hope that when you get to wherever you want to throw yourself away in, you’ll realized how much you basically fucked shit up by leaving,” you stepped closer to him, while pointing a taunting finger at his face. “And you will live the rest of your life regretting that. Don’t do that to your goddamned self!”

“Why are you telling me this?” he turned to you. The pain he was feeling was so evident on each and every part of that face you adored so much. That made you want to comfort him right then and there, but you knew that’d only begin this cycle of hurting yet again. This kid needed to be called out.

“Because you are a coward, Daiki. Sure, you’re pretty fucking skilled! Sure, no one can beat you, but guess what. Torturing yourself isn’t the answer,” There was a distinct care that seeped into your last line.

He towered over you when he began his counter-attack, “Aren’t you the same?! You keep talking about how I’m such an expert at how I can think up ways to make life shittier than it already is. But have you ever asked yourself, “Aren’t we just the same?” You thought I didn’t know? You still stuck with me even though that you were hurting!”

“I know I am. That’s exactly why I’m going to face these senseless fears, and once I do – mark my fucking words you bastard – I will have your back. It’s because I know just how much of a pusillanimous coward you are, so that’s why – that’s why I’ll fucking stay, Daiki.

“No matter how many times you’d fall, I’d be here to catch you, so don’t worry. You can just look forward,” the crisp of your tone was passion beneath a sheet of hostility.

“That doesn’t solve anything- you’re still afraid of something. I don’t know what the fuck it is, but standing behind me. Won’t. Solve. Anything.”

“You’re wrong, it solves everything! Because, you know what?” you paused. “I love you. I have loved you for these past four years, and I won’t be stopping anytime soon.”

The next thing you registered was his lips on yours. He was kissing you – he was really kissing you.

For what seemed like an infinity, you were able to take in his scent yet again – to touch him again – to really be with him again. You could feel your chest’s thirst gradually being quenched by his very essence – like you were finally able to find the your missing pieces in him, and he was able to find his in you. It just felt right.

Then, you pulled back to take a look at his eyes. They had the same warmth that lifted you up – the same warmth that made you feel weightless.

“I… love you too.”

Although it may have been impossible to just simply turn back time; although we couldn’t get back what we’ve already lost; although this love may not have been an ideal one - none of that mattered. All that entailed was you’d just have to make this love greater than all that came before it. Because together, we were stronger, and together we will remain.

[END]

Description
Author's Note:
WHY DID I DO THIS. IT'S TWELVE AM IN THE MORNING AND i STILL HAVE TO WAKE UP AT FOUR AM TOMORROW. GAHD. #SUCHLIFEDECISIONS
I OWN NOTHING BUT THE PLOT.
THIS CONTAINS PROFANITIES. BE WARNED.

Confessions:
What We Lost

You were greeted by a dimly illuminated room the moment your eyes cracked open. You looked around, head still light on your shoulders from last night. This was Daiki's apartment, you registered.

Then, you looked at the snoring body beside you. Daiki's back was turned to you, as usual. You automatically noticed how his hair was starting to get longer. An overwhelming desire to comb your fingers through his hair came up. But you know you shouldn't - your stay had been long overdue.

You should leave, definitely. But, it's not like he'll notice, right? This guy sleeps like a bear on hibernation. He won't notice. Right.

That's not the point, you mentally scolded yourself.

With a sigh, you picked up the pieces of your previously discarded clothing, and slipped them on with out a single beat missed. Then, you took a look at the time.

The clock read, "5:47."

There's still time, you attempted to convince the other side of you that proved to be so stubborn. A lot of time.

But you digressed; you knew you had to leave. Another look back, another second lost. And there it was again - that one feeling in your chest. It felt like you were being impaled. If only you knew your little puppy-love would end up like something this...

If only- you stopped your thoughts there. This wasn't right, you reminded yourself.

Without another thought, you left.

...

You decided to go to the grocery store to pick up some ingredients for the next two weeks. He popped up your mind, not a second longer. You vaguely wondered if he even buys food like this. The last time time you saw his fridge, it looked like it was gagging on canned alcohol and maji-burgers.

How unhealthy...

Before you knew it, you were dragging a plastic bag of a week-worth of groceries back to the blue-haired man's apartment.

Scooping up the key he kept hidden under his welcome-mat, you breathed in, please don't wake up. But the door had other plans - other motherfucking plans. It creaked throughout the room, like someone just decided to suddenly anally fist a choir of banshees. You cursed under your breath. But thank god for Daiki's ability to remain in the state of stupor under the craziest of circumstances.

You stepped into his kitchen, placing the groceries to their designated cabinets with haste. Then, you opened his fridge and just. God. Dammit. Daiki.

In it was basically the same as it was before, other than, of course, the piece of lingerie sitting proudly on top of a half-eaten burger. You placed the remaining groceries inside, whilst taking the clothing article.

Hell knew who this belonged to. After all, he had a handful of women in his disposal. You'd long grown accustomed to that. Sure, at first, that fact made you feel dirty - it made you feel like your skin was the most revolting thing you could be in. But you learned to accept that, at some point. Sure, accepting it didn't make it less wrong, but it sure did make you feel less shitty.

You only hope that he didn't see you as one of them.

You shouldn't even be thinking about this, you remind yourself. Pushing the thought away, you took some eggs and pancake mix. Might as well...

You mixed the ingredients in a bowl, adding cinnamon to the concoction since he liked his pancakes like that. Then, you melted a slab of butter on a pan. After, you poured a ladle-full of batter on it, flipping the pancakes once air-bubbles appeared. Not long after, you finished with two pairs of three-story pancakes.

You set them on disposable plates you got from the store, because you were pretty sure he wouldn't even bother to wash his dishes, mold -free or otherwise.

You took a seat on his dining table, putting his plate on the stop in front of you. Then, you began to eat.

You take a look at that empty space in front of. You shouldn’t have done that. A pang of pain ran through your nerves, despite telling yourself that you didn't even have the right to feel this way.

But you couldn't help it. You missed him so fucking much - You missed spending time with him - You just fucking missed eating with him. But you knew that you couldn't have that again. It was different now - You were different; he was different. Maybe it wasn't just meant to be? You could almost hear a part of scream no.

If only...

You were so goddamned thirsty for what had been, and so much more for what could have. You could feel your chest gradually ripping itself apart, hurting and hurting - until all you could think about was the pain. Damn it, once it was like this you knew it'd be hard to calm yourself down. Fuck.

You want to help?

Your lungs heaved, begging for air that just refused to be received. Or maybe it was the other way around. You didn’t know. But what you did know was that breathing was now officially the hardest thing as of the moment next to loving Daiki.

Then comfort me.

His voice from the past resonated through your mind like a resurrected nightmare. It sounded like a coarse hopelessness had wrapped itself with his voice.

Why did you acquiesce? Why couldn't you read through him? Why couldn't you just fucking realize how much pain he was in?

You should've realized sooner that what he needed was love, and not just another body to lay with. Sure, it’d been three years, but the scar was still as fresh.

Why did have to be too late?

"Satsuki?" That was when your blood ran cold. He couldn't see you like this. Then, You heard him tumble through the sheets, probably trying to get up.

You had to hurry. You silently thank god for letting the shock snap you out from your reminiscent reverie. Taking the unfinished pancake, you stuffed it in your face and you dropped the untouched ones on his share. After which, you skedaddled your way to his shoe-rack. There was no fucking way you were abandoning your new chucks.

Oh god you needed to set your priorities straight. Then you remembered the reason why you were here in the first place. You seriously need to get them straight.

You made your way to the front door, grabbing your shoes in the process. You tried to slip them on.

Key word: "Tried."

Why the fuck did you have to bring high-tops? Your hands fumbled trough the laces, attempting to loosen it enough for you foot to actually fit. You had one foot in by the time he managed to get ass in the living room. Your back was facing him, so he wouldn't see you face.

"Oi, Satsuki- Oh," his voice was dry from sleep.

"Sorry," your voice didn't break, hallefuckingluiah. After all, you had a long time to practice. "I woke up late.

"And I made pancakes," you slipped in your other shoe. "I hope you don't mind, though. I was hungry."

He grunts, so you assumed it was alright. Not long after, you stood to leave, "See you, I guess."

You could have sworn that there was some part of you that wanted him to call you out - to ask you to stay, even just the slightest bit.

Ask.

You grab the doorknob.

Ask.

You twisted it.

Ask.

You pushed the door open.

Ask.

You stepped out.

Ask.

You motioned to close the door.

PLEASE.

Needless to say, he didn't.

...

You breathed in Daiki's scent, inhaling it like scarce necessity. It was a soporific nexus of a pleasant stasis that made you feel like you were gradually being lifted up into thin air - weightless. And listening to his heartbeat contributed to that. You could feel your heart gradually match his, as if he was some kind of pacemaker. That's one of the things you loved most about him - he made you feel so calm.

A flash.

You looked into the cerulean splatter of his eyes, and in that very moment you realized that both of you probably felt the same. You knew because those were the same eyes - the same eye you look upon him with. They contained the same intensity, the same warmth, the same emotion:

Love.

Surely, there was no need for words?

A solitary thing bothered you, though. Why did those eyes look at you with such sadness?

A flash.

Wrong. You were wrong.

You could feel you guts convulse and cavort. It was like your entire body was being messed up from the inside: Your eyes, flooding; your, lungs, aching; your heart,
shattering. Your body was rejecting everything.

You thought you meant something to him. You thought these feelings meant something to him. You thought this entire thing meant something.

But, apparently, it didn't. Why else you he be kissing that girl with such intensity?

Why?

A flash.

"He needs you, [L/N]-san," Kuroko told you for the the umpteenth time.

He needed you? How so? That definitely didn’t seem like the case when he was eating up that girl's face like someone injected an overdose of hormones in him.

"No, he doesn't."

A flash.

It was raining.

Each drop touched your skin like a dismembered icicle, while the wind took an active stride. It was as if nature was complicit with the odds: They were both against you. Not long after, you body seemed to join in in the little mutiny.

Your legs were dead-tired and long bruised from walking for who knew how long, looking. But you still moved on, you needed to. You had to find him.

Where the fuck is he?

But not a moment longer, you had to pause to take in the salty air. Breathe, you reminded yourself. Breathe.

Then, there he was.

A flash.

"I-I want to help," you couldn't stop your teeth from clattering and talking proved to be such a feat.

"You want to help?" His had a warped disdain.

"Yes," you tattled closer to him forcing your feet to move, only to have him move back. "P-please let m-me."

"Then comfort me."

Then, a flash of light burst. However, you didn’t wince – In fact there was no pain, not even a mere sting.

But you did feel like an accused under the detective’s lamp – exposed. Dread found its way within your blood. You could hear it flow over the sound of your wheezing lungs. You realized: You were running.

To what exactly?

Even you, yourself, didn’t know the answer. But then, you called out, “D̵̷̵̢̞̖̲̳̝̺͔̫̭͓̘̝̤͎̬͖̙a̴̴̡̨͓̮͇̻͉̫̱̲͡į̷̬͍̙̙͜͡͝k̷̷͏̬̪̮͍͚͘i̵̢͎͚̤̝͉̞͡.”

Who?

“D̢̲̱̖̻̱á͎̜̣͈͔͕̫̭̥i̭̪͟ḱ̷̹̖̤i̤͠.”

Oh.

“Dai̢k͞i͞.”

Warmth spreads on your face, as your knees give. You hit the ground like a ragdoll abandoned by its most beloved master. The heat seemed to extensity itself even more, as yet another realization dawned on you: You were crying.

“Daiki! Help.”

Heat was later replaced the cold sweat, as a hand came in contact with your skin.

Then, there was pain.

A scream penetrated through the dense blanket of silence. Suddenly, everything was out of focus. The scenery blurred, then focused, then blurred even more, until there was only a sensation – a sensation of falling. Not a second later, you landed, your eyes waking up to another pair you had longed to see for the longest time. Daiki was there, looking at you with those same eyes – those eyes from the past. Your heart skipped a beat. But it was only for the briefest moment.

Then, you took note - you were having a nightmare, and he was trying to wake you up. His hand was still on your wrist, you noticed. For some reason, it seemed as if he couldn’t let go.

Why?

“W-what are you doing here; how’d you get in?” you began with that croaky voice. Talking felt like shit. With that, he stepped away. It’s been a month since you’ve last seen him. You wondered why he suddenly showed up.

“Well, aren’t you just a li’l ball of sunshine? Also, you’re fucking welcome,” he said nonchalantly. “And the thing is about houses, if you don’t want people to get in, you don’t hide a key under a potted plant.”

“Says the guy who leaves his key under the mat. ”

“Oh, shut up.” He plopped himself on the side of your bed, leaning his back on the wall. You couldn’t help but wonder why he was here. Usually, he’d just randomly ring you up and ask you to go to his place. This was just so uncharacteristic. Given that, your mind just naturally jumped into a myriad of conclusions. But that only got you so far, so you decided to ask the person in question himself.

“What’re you doing here, Daiki?” For some reason, his voice never seemed to come out the same when you say it outside your mind – like it had been wrung dry.

He gestured to the paper-bag on the dresser, “I came to return the stuff you left in my apartment, and this.”

You pushed yourself up from the sheets to take the smaller paper-bag he was handing you. It looked like one of those things you got from the cute accessory shops. The prospect of Daiki going into those shops was… Well, Out-of-character would be an understatement. You scoffed.

“What?! You’ve got a problem with that?” he burst out, but it only served to amuse you even more. For the first time in a really long time, it felt as though things were normal. A euphoric heat surfaces in your chest, gradually thawing away the ice you didn’t even know was there in the first place. It made you happy, despite already knowing it wasn’t possible to bring anything back.

You smiled, “What’s this for?”

Opening the bag, you saw a wooden treasure-box. It wasn’t anything too extravagant – just a few etchings on the lid and body, but its simplicity was its primary source of beauty. Somehow, it made the already present warmth grow stronger, like your chest was now housing a small fire. You knew this wasn’t good – you knew that this feeling, like all before, would be for naught. You glanced at the perpetrator.

Just what was he playing at, really?

“It’s a thank-you gift.”

“For what? The groceries?” you tried to sound hostile, but you just couldn’t. The heat was spreading too fast, and that scared you. Up until now, you had worked hard to suppress your feelings for him, so you didn’t have to go through the torture of being left behind again and again. But how is it that he could simply send you teetering over the edge with just a few words and a gift?

“That, and everything else,” that voice sounded too familiar – it was the one you’ve always patiently waited to hear throughout the years, yet a voice whose arrival you’ve already given up on. His tone played as pirouetting allegro of a fleeting summer breeze, but more than anything it was alive.

That made your chest ignite to flames you couldn’t even hope to assuage, burning down the walls you hadn’t realized you’ve built. You’d fallen for him once before, and hell knew you’d fall again.

You voice came out like swift rift in the stagnancy of the air as you joked, “You sound like you’re going away forever.”

“I am.”

You could have sworn you heard a crack resonate from the abyss of your mind, as that warmth you were so happy to conceive slipped away like the sand in a tipped hourglass.

What did he just say?

“Well, maybe not forever but you get what I mean.”

He was wrong, you didn’t. You didn’t understand why – after saying all that – and now this! It didn’t make any sense. He didn’t make any sense. Everything just seemed like a snake that masqueraded itself beneath a favorable outcome, awaiting the perfect moment to attack.

You could feel your body act up on you again – turning against you in ties its help proved to be crucial. Your heartbeat was racing at a dangerously fast rate, and you struggled to breathe. A cold sweat rushed over your body. You knew this scenario all too well.

But Daiki had long stood up. The scene seemed to play in slow-motion, solely to prolong your that stabbing pain in your now unarmored heart. It hurt more than any other emotional pronging you had received before. This was on another stratum of painful – this was the homespun artifice of regret – this was killing off a part of you you’ll never be able to replace.

But that was when it clicked: The question, the stupidity, the madness, the pain – he wanted to punish himself.

The next thing you knew, you were running. It felt all too familiar – running and running. It’d always been towards him, hadn’t it?

“Stay!” your voice came out like a hoarse shriek, but that hardly mattered. “I swear, Daiki. If you take another towards that door-”

Every inch of him tensed up like he’d just been shot, “What?” A dark chuckle escaped his lips. “What exactly would you do – what the hell can you do?”

That pissed you off.

“I will motherfucking hope that when you get to wherever you want to throw yourself away in, you’ll realized how much you basically fucked shit up by leaving,” you stepped closer to him, while pointing a taunting finger at his face. “And you will live the rest of your life regretting that. Don’t do that to your goddamned self!”

“Why are you telling me this?” he turned to you. The pain he was feeling was so evident on each and every part of that face you adored so much. That made you want to comfort him right then and there, but you knew that’d only begin this cycle of hurting yet again. This kid needed to be called out.

“Because you are a coward, Daiki. Sure, you’re pretty fucking skilled! Sure, no one can beat you, but guess what. Torturing yourself isn’t the answer,” There was a distinct care that seeped into your last line.

He towered over you when he began his counter-attack, “Aren’t you the same?! You keep talking about how I’m such an expert at how I can think up ways to make life shittier than it already is. But have you ever asked yourself, “Aren’t we just the same?” You thought I didn’t know? You still stuck with me even though that you were hurting!”

“I know I am. That’s exactly why I’m going to face these senseless fears, and once I do – mark my fucking words you bastard – I will have your back. It’s because I know just how much of a pusillanimous coward you are, so that’s why – that’s why I’ll fucking stay, Daiki.

“No matter how many times you’d fall, I’d be here to catch you, so don’t worry. You can just look forward,” the crisp of your tone was passion beneath a sheet of hostility.

“That doesn’t solve anything- you’re still afraid of something. I don’t know what the fuck it is, but standing behind me. Won’t. Solve. Anything.”

“You’re wrong, it solves everything! Because, you know what?” you paused. “I love you. I have loved you for these past four years, and I won’t be stopping anytime soon.”

The next thing you registered was his lips on yours. He was kissing you – he was really kissing you.

For what seemed like an infinity, you were able to take in his scent yet again – to touch him again – to really be with him again. You could feel your chest’s thirst gradually being quenched by his very essence – like you were finally able to find the your missing pieces in him, and he was able to find his in you. It just felt right.

Then, you pulled back to take a look at his eyes. They had the same warmth that lifted you up – the same warmth that made you feel weightless.

“I… love you too.”

Although it may have been impossible to just simply turn back time; although we couldn’t get back what we’ve already lost; although this love may not have been an ideal one - none of that mattered. All that entailed was you’d just have to make this love greater than all that came before it. Because together, we were stronger, and together we will remain.

[END]