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Blueskye27 — cauterized
Published: 2009-01-19 00:26:57 +0000 UTC; Views: 891; Favourites: 23; Downloads: 12
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Description
cutting you frommy heart is like
laying my hands
among glowing
coals until my fingers
blacken and
curl
but I can do
this if it's the
only way
to let you
go
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Comments: 73
Such medieval imagery, horribly self destructive. Your protagonist seems adept at tying herself in painful knots.
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Yes, she's good at self-effacement to the point of self-destruction, isn't she?
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Heaven knows what would happen to her if anyone ever let her loose in a novel?
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I'm so, so sorry, Wendy. It's no better?
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It's better than I thought it would be; the fact that it doesn't hurt is more painful than I let myself realise.
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Sorry - I can't resist....this is a searing piece of poetry.
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Oh, I've had this experience before! Well expressed.
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I like this version a lot better strangely... It makes the final lines much more effective.
On another note, I feel as though "coals" should be in the previous line, making it:
among glowing coals
until my fingers
I find it feels better rhythm-wise. Same for "blacken and // curl":
blacken
and curl
It makes "blacken" sort of pop out at you, makes the reader reflect on it with a little interior cringe.
Hope you find my comments useful!
On the whole however, a very powerful poem. Sort of numbs and stabs you at the same time.
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Hi, Katherine. Thanks so much for the thoughtful comment. I'll look at the structure again when I'm a little less tired. I appreciate you taking the time.
Numbs and stabs...that's rather a nice compliment. Thanks.
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Only trying to do my little part and experience your poetry as truthfully as I can.
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And I appreciate that so much.
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Interesting play with stanzas and imagery - they go together wonderfully.
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Maybe you can put the original up to compare. maybe in scraps? But I do like this version
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Thanks. I'm glad you like it.
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It seemed very flat to me when I re-read it today. Are you saying I shouldn't re-write when I'm tired?
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and re-read. haha. maybe it's brilliant and you're too tired to recognize it. 
but i didn't want to give an opinion this time until i got to hear what your reason was for changing it. i liked your original because it "read" beautifully and captured how the spoken word should be performed in an evocative manner.
but comparing this version and the other is like comparing a magnificent sunset to a beautiful sunset.
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Okay. I changed it one more time. Tell me how this one reads, would you? I still have the original saved if I need to change it back.
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oh, that's pretty amazing. you combined both. it contains the off-beat rhythm of the first, but you still collected the broken phrases into a combined stanza to reduce the eye jumps. i can hear the "difficult" time that speaker is experiencing and it comes out in a stilted voice. and then it climaxes dramatically.
**and the poetess does all of this on a "tired and uninspired" day, folks.
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You say the loveliest things, Jason. Thank you. I love that word "poetess."
So, you think it's okay this way then?
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yes, more then okay. you improved it by combining both versions. therefore it's a "magnificently beautiful" sunset.
(and i would have added "master" poetess, but i didn't want to embarrass you in front of all your friends.)
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It helps so much when people comment. Shane really liked the first stanza, which set me to looking at the second stanza. Then you checked out the second version of the second stanza, so I fixed it again, and there you go. So, see, it was really you and Shane that fixed it!
And that's okay. You can embarrass me.
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don't say you didn't give me permission. get ready to start blushing. heh-heh. 
and i just noticed something, i didn't even notice and start nit-picking at that "if". works perfectly.
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first stanza is marvelous
and I applaud the sentiment
xo!
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Love the way the title ties in. Makes me think of surgery...
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loving deeply is a gift and a curse like many things.
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Indeed. I've been thinking about a poem on this very subject, but it's not cooperating yet. Maybe you should write one.
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hmm, i might take you up on that
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Your typographical experiments are really working for you. Keep it up!
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