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Last verse same as the first. Do more than three and you're cursed!

I'm probably going to do more than three.

Now a brief description of our cast:

Darius III: The last (sort of) Shahanshah (King of Kings, or Great King) of the Achaemenid Persian Empire. After losing the battles of Issus and Gaugamela (or Arbela) to Alexander the Great, Darius III was subsequently kidnapped by his cousin and satrap, Bessus, whom eventually murdered Darius and proclaimed himself Artaxerxes V.
Whilst little is known of his earlier life, Darius was apparently a wrestler of unusual strength and endurance, by reputation never losing a match. This tends to clash with the idea of him being a coward, running from losing battles, but it's more likely that his escaping were sound political moves. The position of Shah was highly personal; so long as he lived, his empire remained solvent. Should he be captured or killed it would have splintered. Tragically, he was by most accounts a competent ruler during troubled times, and may have been a stabilising force in his empire had Alexander not invaded.

John Sobieski: One of the true badasses (and earliest known cosplayers) of the High Middle Ages, Sobieski was king of the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth. During the third ottoman attempt to take Vienna, capital of the Hapsburg imperial domains, Sobieski led a charge of the legendary Winged Hussars, thwarting turkish attempts to push into the heart of Europe, earning him the reputation as the saviour of christendom by Pope Innocent XI.
One of the last truly successful Polish kings, Sobieski is particularly known to certain military enthusiasts for the aforementioned Winged Hussars, one of the earliest know LARP groups of the medieval period. Despite their somewhat comical appearance, their war record is deeply impressive, and their reputation as heavy cavalry was the envy of other European monarchs.
Selim the Grim: Selim goes down in history with others such as Phillip II, Constantius Chlorus, and Friedrich Wilhelm: all men with sons more famous than them, but arguably the reason for their son's successes.
Father of Suleiman the Magnificent (or in Turkey, "the Lawgiver"), Selim was a capable and diligent ruler, extending the Ottoman state to nearly twice its size, and revising its infrastructure to help stabilise its control over its many territories. Nevertheless, the sobriquet "the Grim" didn't come without merit. He dealt harshly with his viziers (advisors) to the point that it became a common curse to wish someone to become Selim's vizier. A likely apocryphal anecdote has one of his viziers jokingly asking Selim to give him forewarning if he were thinking of executing him, to which Selim responded that he would have given him that warning right then if there had been someone competent enough to replace him.
Selim had a reputedly imposing figure, tall and broad shouldered. He is thought to have killed two of his own brothers, and rebelled against his father, to attain the throne.
Siddhartha Gautama: Known more commonly as the Buddha, Siddharta's history is prone to the same issues as any religious figure. Namely what facts to distill from the legend.
Generally it is thought that Sidd was born a prince in what is now Northern India/Nepal. He endured no hardships through his young life, but became aware that there existed suffering in the world beyond his home. He grew up, married, and had children, but becoming increasingly troubled by the suffering of others, departed from his family to seeks a means of ending it. Deciding that attachment was what led to suffering, he attempted to deny himself all attachment, and suffered greatly as he nearly died of starvation and exposure, leading him to determine that the way to true enlightenment was the "middle way". This, he determined, was a means of avoiding karma and achieving Nirvana, breaking the reincarnation cycle to enter oneness with the universe.
(Take this as a super condensed version of Buddhism, and probably incorrect in places. For a proper look into Buddhism, please inquire through proper sources.)
Nikephoros II Phokas: Possibly my favourite Eastern Roman Emperor, Nikephoros was known as the Pale Death of the Saracens, and whole Muslim armies were reported to flee or avoid battle with him just because of his sheer reputation.
A deeply religious, one might even say ascetic, man, Nikephoros reign as emperor was mostly maintained by his extensive military victories and conquests, some of the last before the long, painful demise of the byzantines. Otherwise he was generally unpopular, having not an inch of charisma, being brash and rude, and having little time or inclination for court politics. How does a guy get to be emperor without being interested in intrigue and treachery? That’s all the fun of byzantine politics!
This weakness eventually led to his demise, when a conspiracy led by his estranged wife, and his equally disenchanted nephew, John Tzmiskes, led to his being beaten to death and beheaded in his bed chamber.
Nikephoros reputedly had a number of odd habits and interests. He was embroiled in a bitter argument with the church trying to get soldiers who died against Muslims to be considered martyrs, and reputedly wore a thoroughly uncomfortable shirt beneath his armour as a means of religious self-punishment, which apparently made him more ferocious in battle. That and wine.

Sir Terry Pratchett: How can he even need describing? Most famous for writing the Discworld series of 41 (holy shit!) books, Terry Pratchett is the mad genius, Daniel Dennett-looking quintessential awesome granddad of our generation. Really, I’m not doing you the disservice of relaying his awesomeness in a paragraph, just go read his material. It’ll do him far more service than I ever could.
Taizong: One of the most celebrated emperors in all of Chinese history, the Taizong emperor is the one in hundreds whom people to this day claim to be the textbook example of a competent ruler.
The second emperor in one of China’s most famous dynastic periods, the Tang, Li Shimin is arguably responsible for the dynasty’s establishment, as it was he who convinced his father, Gaozu, to rebel against the previous weakened Sui dynasty. He’s additionally responsible for stabilising the realm and defeating a number of its more ruthless enemies, such as the successors of the Gokturks, who mirrored the dreaded Xiongnu of the Han period.
Unlike most other dynasties, the earlier emperors of the Tang such as Taizong were personally active in military affairs. Although he wasn’t above sending trusted generals to deal with serious situations, Taizong interested himself in matters of war outside of those of the Confusion Court. By some accounts he was curiously unconcerned, and even dismissive of, superstition, preferring rational discourse and logic in making decisions. Personally I find this a little odd for someone whose whole base of legitimacy in the Chinese imperial tradition is that he is the Son of Heaven who rules by the mandate of the heavenly hierarchy, but who am I to argue results?
Mithridates VI: The last true king of the Hellenistic, eastern kingdom of Pontus, Mithridates was one of, if not the most difficult challenges posed to Republican Rome besides Hannibal Barca.
Mithridates was a wily and unscrupulous ruler, known contemporarily as the Poison King for his alleged knowledge of poison making, and his rumoured concoction to make himself immune to most forms of toxins. In addition to this he also modelled himself (none too originally) on Alexander the Great, wearing a lion skin like Herakles and leading cavalry charges. He first came to Rome’s attention during their establishment in Anatolia (modern Turkey) as they absorbed the kingdom of Pergamum, allied with Bithynia, and defeated the Antigonid and Seleucid kingdoms. Taking advantage of unrest in the Roman homeland, Mithridates engaged in no fewer than three wars against the Romans, requiring the likes of Sulla, Lucullus, and Pompey to eventually corner and defeat him. During the war there are reports of him utilising bears and other wild animals against Roman sieges (see video by Historia Civilis for details). In the end he attempted to poison himself to avoid capture, but turned out to be immune (go figure), and so instead had to be stabbed to be death by his guards.

Barbarossa: Properly Frederick I, Barbarossa is a nickname literally meaning “grape”, and is a reference to his red hair. More specifically his red beard. His name means Red Beard. Pirate references.
One of the more notable of the so-called Holy Roman Emperors, he was a member of the Hohenstaufen, or “Swabian” dynasty (these were the days before Hapsburgs routinely got the throne). He was apparently a robust fellow, long-lived, politically astute, a consummate organiser, and had ambitions to rival any of his contemporaries. Which may possibly have been what got him killed. He’s responsible for re-establishing Roman law (specifically the laws attributed to Justinian and his successors) as a means of trying to stem papal authority in his lands. He’s generally best known by moderns for being one of the high monarchs of Europe to engage in the third crusade, and subsequently dying there. Not in battle, not to disease, or starvation, or any of a thousand deaths he might have endured and been less embarrassed by, but by allegedly stumbling into a river and drowning. Actual reports of his death are contested; some say he was thrown from his horse and went into shock as he hit the freezing water, others say he was weighed down by his armour and jewellery. Still, it’s pretty ignominious in my opinion for such a great man, and not the least for going on a whopping great waste of time as a crusade.

Takeda Shingen: Like many in the Sengoku Jidai, Shingen changed his name over the course of his life. Born as Katsuchiyo, he gained the name Harunobu upon reaching manhood. The name Shingen is in fact his Buddhist temple name, and can be pronounced in Japanese as an inversion of the name Harunobu (ie. Nobuharu). One of the true legends of the warring states period, Shingen was known as the Tiger of Kai, his home province, and is principally known for two things: his unique take on Japanese cavalry, and his personal rivalry with Uesugi Kenshin. Takeda cavalry deployed by Shingen utilised an hitherto unforeseen tactical deployment in Japanese history, and became the principle thrust of his armed forces. They distinguished themselves in many battles under capable officers during Shingen’s life, although they fell on difficult times and were made practically defunct under his son, Katsuyori, when he pitted them against the combined Oda-Tokugawa forces in the battle of Nagashino.
Shingen’s rivalry with Uesugi Kenshin became one of the markers of the Sengoku Jidai, and has been mythologised to some extent in the modern day as a gentleman’s war. The clans of Takeda and Uesugi were arguably the most powerful in Japan at the time, but their inability to look past this rivalry allowed the Oda, and later the Tokugawa and Toyotomi forces to sweep west and take the imperial capital. Shingen’s death is another contested historical point. Accounts offer that he died of illness, a sniper shot, or an old wound.

Uesugi Kenshin: Or Nagao Kagetora before his adoption into the Uesugi clan (see what I mean about names?), Kenshin was another of the legendary figures of the Sengoku Jidai, being the great nemesis of Takeda Shingen.
Unlike many places in Japan at this time, which suffered under the 100 year internecine war, Kenshin’s rule over Echigo province actually led to a marked increase in economy and living standards thanks to his able administration. Nevertheless he was most well known for his battlefield prowess and apparently honourable conduct in war, and was known by his followers as the God of War (referring to the Buddhist Japanese deity Bishamonten, not Kratos).
Kenshin’s legacy today in Japan is tinged with a fixation on his physical appearance, which was reportedly very handsome and almost womanlike, with long hair and a fair complexion. This has led to some in the modern day to speculate that Kenshin was in fact a woman, and that her adopting a male identity was merely the means by which she might rule in a male-dominated society. There’s little to no evidence of this being the case of course, but it is a fascinating notion. He never had children of his own, but did adopt at least two boys during his life. Kenshin died rather anticlimactically of cancer after forming an alliance with the Takeda against the Oda-Tokugawa forces. If he had lived, it’s quite possible that the Tokugawa Shogunate would never have happened.
Wangari Maathai: Preferring to go by her birth name, Wangari Muta, Wangari was a Kenyan environmentalist who founded the Green Belt Movement, an NGO dedicated to planting trees, environmental conservation, and the furtherance of women’s equality.
Born during the British colonial reign of Kenya, Wangari gained admittance to study abroad in the United States through a program green lit by senator John F. Kennedy. Whilst in the US she would study biology, eventually earning a master’s degree before returning to Kenya, where she was denied a university job, allegedly because of her gender. After working a job and meeting her husband in Germany, she later returned and, in 1971, became the first Kenyan woman to receive a doctorate, specifically in veterinary anatomy. Working as a professor at the University of Nairobi, she went on to campaign for a seat in parliament, as well as founding the Green Belt Movement, encouraging the planting of tree nurseries throughout the country. Whilst she didn’t manage to gain a government seat in the 70’s, she ran again in 2002 and was overwhelmingly elected, and served in the environmental ministry.
She died in 2011 from complications with cancer.
Khosrow I Anushruwan: The 22nd and arguably the greatest of the Sassanian Shahanshahs, Khosrow was a contemporary to Justinian and his most dangerous foreign rival. Whilst Eastern Rome rolled over western Europe, the Sassanid Persian Empire remained the one true organised force that could halt their ambitions of reconquest, thanks to the efforts of Khosrow and his father, Kavadh I. To fans of Rome this makes him one of the biggest villains in history, but you’d be pressed to find many people in his own time (still alive) to tell you so.
Anushiruwan translates to “the Immortal Soul”, and was granted to him upon his annihilation of a particular Zoroastrian sect led by a reformer named Mazdak. He is still known in Persia (modern Iran) by that title today. Khosrow was not a man to be trifled with, killing his own older brother when the latter rebelled, and running amok over the eastern border of the Roman Empire for years before Justinian could organise proper resistance. Khosrow filled this time with a large number of middle-fingers to the Romans, such as sacking their cities, knocking down Antioch and then rebuilding it in Persia and renaming it “Wey Antioch Khosrow”, which literally means “Khosrow’s better Antioch”, and even moving all the citizens from the original Antioch to the new one. He was even said to have taken over a Roman city, and then hosted chariot races there whilst ordering the racing faction that Justinian supported to lose on purpose.
Because, fuck Justianian I guess?
He didn’t get everything his own way though. During this invasion, Justinian’s greatest general, Belesarius, put paid to Khosrow’s plans by ignoring him and instead invading the Persian homeland, forcing Khosrow to retreat. The next year, plague struck both sides, reducing Khosrow to his bed until he recovered from the disease. Khosrow survived to tangle with Justinian’s immediate successors before dying at the ripe old age of 78.

George Washington: For the Americans out there, I’ll try to include some lesser-known facts here. As most know, he was the first president of the United States, having been instrumental not only in the establishment of the nation through military arms, but also in aiding Alexander Hamilton in supplanting the Articles of Confederation with the Constitution. Other than that Washington was loathe to engage in the political squabbles that tended to erupt between what was then basically Jefferson’s and Hamilton’s rising rivalry.
A fairly liberal man for his day, he grew uncomfortable with slavery over the course of his life even though he never freed his own until after his death. Unlike many of his co-founding fathers, Washington was a fervent Anglican, and personally believed in an active deity as opposed to the deistic and atheistic notions of his contemporaries. Despite this he tried never to use his religion in his politics or to dictate policy, believing like his fellows that state sponsorship of religion was dangerous and fragmentary, and that the Enlightenment ideas of rationalism should trump superstition. He commonly emphasised religious toleration and forbade or criticised the debasement of minority faiths.
Washington goes down in history as one of the greatest American presidents and was arguably one of the main players in setting the US on its current path of federal domination, if only accidentally. During the war with Britain he constantly bemoaned the fact that the government was incapable of gathering funds because of the loose rules of the Articles of Confederation. This led to the stricter and more unifying Constitution.
Titus Labienus: One of if not the most underrated Roman in history, Labienus was Caesar’s most capable and accomplished lieutenants during his conquest of Gaul. A general in his own right, Labienus is frequently and positively mentioned in Caesar’s Commentaries, the self-penned work Caesar sent back to Rome detailing his exploits. In fact, Labienus is the only one of his tribunes mentioned by name.
Of equestrian rather than Patrician status, he didn’t have the name recognition of people like Caesar, and didn’t have their political acumen, but was a military genius. Some historians have gone so far as to consider a large part of Caesar’s success down to Labienus. This is most easily seen during the mass rebellion against Caesar’s rule in Gaul. During a time of mass uprising, Caesar’s legions were dispersed across the country, most of them being besieged or attacked by local Gaulish forces. Most had to be rescued or were destroyed, except for those under Labienus, who successfully defeated the Gauls attacking him before linking back up with Caesar.
When Caesar rebelled against the senate, Labienus chose to switch sides rather than stay with Caesar. Taking a few thousand cavalry specifically loyal to him, Labienus left his legion quickly without trying to stir up trouble in the ranks, and Caesar later sent his belonging back to him. Labienus joined the Pompeian side in the civil war, and played a part as a cavalry commander at the battle of Pharsalus, fought in Spain under Scipio, and eventually met his end at the Battle of Munda in southern Spain.
Muhammad: Born in the 6th century, Muhammad ibn Abdullah is the commonly accepted founder of the religion of Islam, an Arabian monotheistic religion founded upon the Abrahamic tradition.
Born during a time when Arabia was disunited, Muhammad is said to have had a theistic epiphany at the age of 40, receiving visions from the angel Gabriel. This led him to eventually proselytise his new faith and unite Arabia into an Islamic empire, the Dar a-Islam, or “the House of Submission”. This empire would later expand under the caliphates to spread across much of the then known world, spreading from Spain in the west to China in the east.
Many of the hadiths (traditions set down in later years) record Muhammad’s appearance as being relatively plain, being of average height and having no particularly distinguishing features other than a particular mole on his back, commonly referred to as the “Seal of Prophecy”. Apparently the mole stood out and was of a larger than average size.
Timothy Zahn: Sadly, I can’t put quite as much to paper(?) as some of the other conquerors and world-changers on this list when it comes to Tim Zahn. All I can say is that he has enriched my life, and the Star Wars Universe.
Born in 1951, Zahn is most well known for his introduction of the character Grand Admiral Thrawn to the Star Wars galaxy, with an ongoing series of 12 Star Wars books so far, including the Thrawn Trilogy, the Hand of Thrawn books, Outbound Flight, and the more modern Thrawn novels written after the Disney takeover. It’s arguable that Timothy Zahn preserved Star Wars into its current cycle, and that much like popular series before it, Star Wars would have sunk into the background of memory for we who grew up with it. Fortunately, Zahn’s Thrawn Trilogy emerged in the early 90’s, rekindling the spark of enthusiasm for Star Wars until it resurged in the 2000’s.

Diogenes: Without doubt by absolute favourite Ancient Greek philosopher (yes, even you Hippocrates). Not to downplay the furtherance of medicine, but Diogenes has to be the sassiest of the ancient philosophers, and the one with the most ironical of minds. According to sources, Diogenes lived in Corinth, one of the most disreputable of the city-states since it lay at the centre of a trade point where all sorts of ne’er-do-wells took their business. During the day he would go around with a lit lamp trying to find an honest man.
He lived quite literally in a barrel, a discarded giant pot or barrel abandoned on the docks, and believed that modern societies were overly complex and corrupt. To this end he tended to conduct himself in very non-traditional ways. Like not wearing any clothes.
My absolute favourite story about him takes place when Alexander the Great, having just succeeded to the hegemonship of Greece, visits Corinth and seeks Diogenes out. Upon finding the old man lying naked, sunbathing, Alexander asks him what he, Alexander, can do for Diogenes as hegemon of Greece. Without blinking, Diogenes reportedly asked Alexander to kindly move out of the way of the sun, which Alexander did. Alexander is thought to have responded to this by saying that, if he were not Alexander of Macedon, he should wish to be Diogenes.
Tiglath-Pilesar I: As with many from civilisations of pre-antiquity, Tiglath-Pilesar has comparatively little known about him.
He was a high king during the Middle Assyrian period, roughly the 11th century BCE, of the expansive and long-lived Assyrian Empire. During his reign Assyria reached one of its several peaks of power, becoming the prime power in the Middle East for some four to five hundred years. Under him Assyria reached some of its largest territorial extents, and engaged in a series of building projects throughout the realm, making him one of the greatest Assyrian kings, and one of the most recognisable. That being said, like many rulers and according to the reputation of Assyria itself, he worked to create a reputation of fear among his subjects and his foreign rivals to fend off rebellion and incursions.
Assyria in general has a rather unfortunate reputation among those who know anything about them thanks in large part to the bible. The Assyrians believed in a very strict order of the world, where their king was the vicar of the great god Ashur (for whom Assyria and its capital, Assur, are named). All order and divine command originates from Ashur, and thus the king’s authority was absolute. Betrayal or rebellion against the Assyrians was viewed as heresy as much as a political tool, which has led (mainly from the late Assyrian period) to the slightly overdrawn reputation for unusual cruelty from the Assyrians. In truth, the Assyrians engaged in little that its contemporaries didn’t also practice, and it seems unlikely that Assyria could have lasted for so many millennia if they were so consistently malevolent.
Borte Ujin:Although not often remembered beside her infamous husband, Borte was the first wife and Great Khatun of Genghis Khan.
Born to the Olkhonud clan, the same clan to which Temujin’s (Genghis’) mother belonged to, Borte was betrothed to him at the age of 10, eventually marrying at the age of 17. She was subsequently kidnapped by the Merkits, one of the powerful tribal confederations on the steppe, and was later rescued by Temujin with help from his patron, Toghrul, and his blood brother Jamukha.
Borte was a formidable woman, reportedly intelligent from a young age, and capable of ruling in her own right. During Ghengis’ foreign excursions, she ruled directly over the former territory of the Tatars with her own bureaucracy. During his reign, she and her mother-in-law, Hoelun, were among Temujin’s most trusted advisors, and several important decisions were made with their prompting and advice.
She gave Temujin nine children, including four sons, all of whom would go on to form their own khanates within, and then from the body of the Mongolian empire.

Sir Sidney Smith The guy that beat Napoleon.
No, you didn’t read that wrong. According to Napoleon Bonaparte himself, this guy was the man to make Bonaparte “miss (his) destiny”.
Born to a naval family, he joined the navy at the age of 13 and quickly rose up the ranks, participating in the American war for independence and, after the war, for the Swedish navy, for which he was knighted (by the Swedish) and made a member of the Svardsorden (Order of the Sword), for which he was mocked by his British peers. Quite how you get mocked for being a badass is quite beyond me.
Eventually, following the declaration of war on republican France, Sidney travelled to Toulon where he first engaged with his nemesis, and managed to almost single-handedly destroy half the French fleet there. He was later criticised for ONLY destroying half the fleet. Seriously.
During his career fighting Napoleon he would be captured once, and escape after writing a very scathing message on the prison walls. Napoleon would react to this very maturely, by having the entire building demolished.
During Napoleon’s failed invasion of the Middle East, Sidney would write a number of letters to him offering terms of fair surrender, and some mocking revenge notes about how their roles had reversed. Napoleon ignored the former and proceeded to get a lot of his men killed before abandoning the expedition and simply declaring victory upon returning home.
Putting down his entire career would take a book or two, but this guy was a sassy legend. He made Admiral Horatio Nelson, a guy infamous amongst his colleagues for ignoring orders and taking initiative, complain about him ignoring orders and taking initiative.
Ludwig van Beethoven: You know, the guy who wrote Ode to Joy. Oh wait, no, that’s wrong. That was written by Friedrich Schiller and Beethoven just used it in his Ninth Symphony.
Oh well, Beethoven was still an extraordinary fellow, but is an example of the more tragic figures in art history. He suffered from many ailments throughout his life, including his well-known slide into deafness as he aged, and starting in his twenties, increasing pains in his abdomen which apparently contributed to his natural irascibility. He was also frustrated in love thanks to class issues, and is known to have contemplated suicide. Nevertheless, he maintained a dedicated circle of friends who at times competed to maintain his spirits, and was successful as a composer in his lifetime, even though his work for the Austrian court in Vienna was at times very trying thanks to his “low birth” and censorship in the empire.
He remains one of the most famous names in music of all times, and was instrumental (ha!) in bringing western musical styles into the romantic period. His death is a matter of controversy amongst doctors and historians, with multiple causes being proposed, including the idea that he was accidentally poisoned with lead by his doctor.
Vercingetorix: A leader of the Arverni tribe, Vercingetorix was one of the more farsighted figures in Gaul during Caesar's conquest. Managing to belatedly unite the Gaulish tribes behind him, he formed the last real resistance to Roman expansion into Gaul (modern France), conducting a cunning shadow campaign against Caesar rather than giving open battle.
Eventually Casesar managed to corner him in the fortified town of Alesia, and after a dramatic two-way siege during which the Romans laid siege to the town, and then an exterior Gaulish force laid siege to the Roman fortifications, Vercingetorix was forced to surrender, and fell into Roman custody. Following Caesar's eventually triumph, he was ritualistically strangled to death.
Vercingetorix became a heroic figure to the French in the 19th century, raised as a hero against the oppression of tyranny, and made into an archetype by the likes of Napoleon III.
George Carlin: One of my favourite contemporary comedians, Carlin gave no shits about your feelings, and was happy to tell you why. On a more serious note, he was one of the most influential of the “none-safe” comedians, helping to establish the modern sense of cultural criticism many of us enjoy today. His more notable comedic critiques were aimed at such institutions as the church and the American government, and the notion of American exceptionalism.
For you younguns, he also featured in a number of iconic movies, including Dogma, the Pixar movie Cars, and as Rufus in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.

Vera Atkins: Born in Romania before the outbreak of the first world war, Vera emigrated to Britain in 1937 to escape increasing levels of anti-Semitism, her mother being of Jewish descent.
In 1940 she joined the Special Operations Executive (SOE) as a secretary, working to plant spies in France during the second world war. Whilst not generally popular in her job she was considered by her superiors to be dedicated and skilled in her work.
During the war her branch of the British spy network was heavily compromised by German counter-espionage in Paris, thanks in large a part to a double agent. Nevertheless, Vera was suspected as being part of a larger conspiracy to compromise scores of British agents, although she was eventually officially cleared of suspicion.
Following the war she dedicated a great deal of her time to tracking down the missing 118 agents under the auspices of MI6, eventually tracking down the fates of almost all of them.
She died in 2000 at the age of 92, as a lifetime smoker.

Georgy Zhukov: (My version here is based on an old Soviet-era propaganda poster. Those things just drip with that old-style grandeur, I love them.)
One of the success stories in the bloody rise of the Soviet Union, Georgy Zhukov was born a peasant, and joined the Soviet military during the Russian civil war. Before the Soviet involvement in WWII, he was involved in the Khalkin Gol campaign, during which he pioneered Soviet strategies of tank deployment, and was made a Hero of the Soviet Union.
During the Great Patriotic War (WWII) Zhukov joined the Stavka, the Soviet High Command, becoming one of Stalin’s most trusted and competent generals. Following the successful invasion and subduing of Nazi Germany, Zhukov carried out the official surrender and led the Moscow victory parade.
Following the war, Zhokov’s career became more perilous. Perceived as a threat to Stalin, he was constantly demoted, promoted, and demoted again. He was appointed to the Presidium under Khrushchev but then subsequently forcibly retired during a foreign visit.
Despite Soviet-American rivalry following the war, Zhukov possessed a mutual respect for and with Dwight Eisenhower.
Jalal ad-Din: The last ruler of the Khwarezmian Empire, Jalal is another rather tragic figure, having been alive during the rise of the Mongols.
Born the son of Muhammad II, Jalal ad-Din came to power in 1220 following his father’s death in exile. Having spent several years in India drumming up support, he returned to Persia in an attempt to restore the Khwarezmian domains, having to move further west than the traditional heartland. This brought him into conflict with several entities, including the Seljuks of Rum, and the Christian kingdoms of Georgia. His rule required continuous military excursions against his perpetually hostile neighbours, until in the 1230’s he was utterly defeated by a renewed Mongol invasion ordered by Ogedei Khan.
Unable to prepare against this renewed onslaught he attempted to flee, only to be murdered by a nameless peasant.
Wernher von Braun: The father of rocketry, von Braun is commonly known today as a pioneer in American space engineering.
Von Braun is a curious figure, since he worked extensively under the nazi regime before being taken to the US through Operation: Paperclip, as part of the V-1 and V-2 programs. Under him, though arguably beyond his control, worked the slave labourers characteristic on the nazi regime. It is generally accepted that von Braun felt he was helpless to change these circumstances, and was not above suspicion, having been arrested at least once by the Gestapo on suspicion of communist sympathies.
In the US his work was oriented towards the eventual establishment of NASA and several of its iconic launches, including the Saturn and Apollo projects. He also worked on developing the US’s intercontinental missile system, and advocated for a human mission to Mars.
Edward Gibbon: The man, the legend, Edward f%#$-mothering Gibbon.
Author of the majesterial volumes The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, Gibbon has been described as one of the most influential historians of all time, inspiring such people as Winston Churchill.
Like many gentlemen of his time, he engaged in the grand tour of Europe upon his majority, eventually reaching Rome where he is alleged to have been deeply inspired to compose a history of the city, an event known as the “Capitoline vision”, Capitoline referring to one of the seven hills of Rome. He composed all six volumes of the Decline and Fall in only 12 years, and placed him into an aura of literary prominence throughout Europe.
His work was controversial during his day for treating the institution of the church as a “mere” phenomenon of general history, leading to several of the more flaky nations to ban its printing. His criticisms of Christianity went further as he wrote scathingly of its organisation in the Roman Empire, and his view that it contributed to the collapse of the imperium.
It should probably be noted that maintstream scholarship does not consider Christianity to have played a major role in the downfall of Rome, although the case can be made that christianity’s inherent and ubiquitous divisiveness contributed to the social fracture of the empire over the course of its history.
Enrico Dandolo: Speaking of the collapse of Rome, lets have a look at someone who is singularly more responsible than some others.
The 41st Doge (Duke) of that most serene republic of Venice, he was known his own day for his piety (sort of), political acumen, and refusal pop his clogs at a reasonable age, living to the age of 98.
Dandolo is most infamously known for essentially hijacking the fourth crusade, taking advantage of the crusader’s lack of funds to direct its energies towards the benefit of Venice’s territorial expansion. Namely attacking Christian cities and reabsorbing them into Venice’s thalassocracy. If that weren’t bad enough, ignoring the Pope’s furious declarations of excommunication of all involved, Dandolo went on to “help” the East Romans settle a dynastic dispute, invading Constantinople and sacking it when the winner couldn’t pay the fee.
This led to the fragmentation and ultimate breaking of Byzantine military and economic strength, arguably making any recovery of the Roman state irretrievable. If you’re getting the sense that I’m butthurt about this, YOUR’RE DAMN RIGHT I’M BUTTHURT ABOUT IT!
Fuck you, Enrico Dandolo, you blind old opportunistic Italian piece of shit. Whether or not you think he meant for it to happen, it did, and it’s his fault.
Rousseau: Born in the 18th century in Geneva, Rousseau is one of the most iconic figures of the Enlightenment, and a prominent philosophe whose work heavily influenced modern political thought, and the French Revolution.
Most famous for writings such as the Social Contract, which laid out ideas for how to manage the emerging commercial society growing out of the medieval and renaissance periods. This included the controversial notion that monarchs were not in fact divinely appointed rulers, but that true power, known as sovereignty, was inherent in the people, and as such only the people should have the power to legislate law.
This got him into a great deal of trouble, requiring him to move from country to country, at one point taking up lodgings on behalf of Frederick the Great of Prussia at the urging of Voltaire.
One of my favourite anecdotes about Rousseau regards his stay in Britain, during which he developed a growing dispute with David Hume, during which Rousseaus suspected Hume of attempting to defame him and stealing his mail. It turned out (and this will amuse Extra History Fans) that the whole issue was started by an anonymous hoax letter written by Horace Walpole, son of Robert Walpole, the first Prime Minister.

George Clemenceau: The French Prime Minister at the end of World War I, Clemenceau was a radical politician who was instrumental in creating the severe conditions on Germany after the war.
Coming to power during some of the bleakest points in the war, Clemenceau advocated for a strong push for victory rather than capitulation or a settled peace. His frequent visits to the front lines and impassioned speeches raised the morale of the French army when morale was all but depleted. His restless disposition and passion earned him the sobriquet “Le Tigre”, the Tiger, and was described by Churchill as resembling a caged animal pacing behind bars.
Clemenceau is generally iconic in pictures featuring the war leaders for his enormous and manly moustache, from whence he gained much of his power and ferocity. Okay, that was a joke, but that thing was glorious.
Clemenceau was known to be proficient in duels, fighting a number against his political rivals, and practiced fencing every morning even into his later years.

Alcibiades: Possibly the most outrageous figure on this list, Alcibiades can adequately be described as what would happen if Sherlock Holmes, Tyrion Lannister and the Chipendales had an orgy and somehow formed an amalgamated lovechild.
Apparently ridiculously handsome and charming, Alcibiades was an outrageous figure in Athens, engaging in the kinds of gentlemanly fun such as might be found in the 18th century Hellfire clubs.
Despite this reputation (or perhaps because of it), he was a consummate politician, a renowned orator with an adorable lisp and tendency to pause whilst seeking the correct term, and had an uncanny ability to read people.
Taking general charge in Athens during the later third of the Peloponnesian War (and arguably being responsible for it), he suggested and led the infamous Sicilian Expedition, until he was recalled to face charges of impiety. He skipped town to Sparta, made friends with one of the kings, got his wife pregnant, and skipped town to Persia. There he made himself available to the local satraps, until eventually intriguing to take advantage of an oligarchic coup in Athens to get himself readmitted to a leadership role, only to be blamed for Athens defeat and fleeing to one of his castles in modern Turkey, where he was allegedly assassinated by Spartan forces in a dramatic last stand.

Francisco Goya: One of if not the most iconic Spanish artist of his day, Goya was a romantic painter during the French occupation of Spain by Napoleon, and is responsible for a number of iconic paintings of that era, often showing the suffering and atrocities portrayed during that time.
In the last years of his life he created the so-called Black Paintings, some of his most well known work, which includes such things as Saturn Devouring his Son, which depicts the Titan Cronos graphically devouring one of the gods.
A curious fact about Goya was that upon his death, when the Spanish government attempted to retrieve his body from France (where he had been living), the man sent to receive the body discovered that Goya’s skull was missing. To this day, the head has never been found.
Jigonhsasee: A clan mother of the Seneca tribe of the Haudenosaunee (people of the long house), or as is known in the west the Iroquois, Jigonhsasee is one of the legendary founding members of the confederacy, alongside Hiawatha and the Peace Maker. During the confederacy’s formation, she advocated on behalf of her tribe for unity under the Great Law of Peace, and according to legend, was instrumental in bringing Tadodaho, leader of the Onondaga tribe, into the Great Law.
Everything we know of her is based on oral histories, and the details are thus considered sketchy by modern history. Apparently Tadodaho was an evil man who drew vitality from his violent ways, growing snakes from his very hair like the Greek monster, Medusa. Jigonhsasee is said to have been able to purify him of these evils through spiritual realignment.
Within the confederacy, Jigonhsasee and the other clan mothers held the seats taken by the clan chiefs, reflecting the preeminent place of women in Iroquois society.
Itzcoatl: The fourth king of Tenochtitlan, he ruled over the South American clan known as the Mexica, the tribe that, during his reign, formed the Aztec Empire.
The son of king Acamapichtli, Itzcoatl came to power after the death of his nephew at the hands of the Tepanecs, leading to the Mexica throwing off their oppression and establishing themselves as a power in the region. During his reign he consolidated Mexica power, destroying and rewriting local histories so as to reinforce the eminence of his reign, and indeed of the Aztec religion.
While that is terrible – I can’t stand people who tamper with history for personal gain – he is well known for building up the imperial infrastructure inherited by his descendents, including causeways and roads, temples, and government services, which allowed for the eventual expansion of the Aztecs into a wider imperium.
Ibn Battuta: Possibly the world’s first tourist (other than Twoflower of course), Ibn Battuta was a prominent Islamic intellectual from modern Morocco who gained celebrity in his own time for travelling across much of the known world, ranging from the distant Mali Empire in south western Africa, to Constantinople in the East Roman Empire, to the islands of Indonesia.
Whilst some modern writers consider some of his recorded sights to be fictitious, his accounts give a valuable insight into the perceptions of contemporaries, and descriptions of some of the most far-away areas. His descriptions of the Mali Empire follow the legendary pilgrimage by Mansa Musa, and his visits to Constantinople record the latter years of the declining Roman Empire.
A common feature of his writings are his personal feelings about the places he visits, where he is frequently highly critical about how different things are from his home town. “I mean, it’s nice and Islamic, I guess, but it could be more Muslim, you know?”
Typical Tourist.

Sun Yat-sen: One of the figures here whom I have the most sympathy for. Here was a guy who never gave up in the face of failure. And boy did he fail a lot. Or at least his movements did. All the time. He led or contributed to rebellions, uprisings, new governments, and movements in China across several decades, most of which ended in being crushed by the imperial Chinese government, and in the end, from within by former allies and associates.
Much of Sun’s professional career was spent raising funds and support from foreign nations in support of his new regimes, during which he visited the US, France, Britain, and Japan, amongst others, frequently dogged and at one point kidnapped and detained by imperial agents.
His final attempt at raising a Chinese Republic did not see completion, and he didn’t live to see it. Following his death, the nationalist and communist divisions within his regime split apart, both claiming him as their progenitor, splitting the country into war again until the victory of the Communist state in 1949.
Gustavus Adolphus: Perhaps one of the more obscure figures on this list, Gustav II was King of Sweden during the Thirty Years War, the WWII of its time, and is credited with establishing Sweden as a Great Power in European affairs, where it would stay until the death of the Last Viking, Charles XII.
Under Gustav, Sweden entered the later phase of the Thirty Years War, and utilising then revolutionary tactics involving combined unit movements, managed to focus Sweden’s competent governmental structure and military might to win a number of important battles on the protestant side. Gustav is often known as the father of modern warfare for these pioneering techniques, and occupies a near legendary place in Swedish history as a result. Known as the “Lion of the North”, he is featured frequently in Swedish popular culture, including a number of metal songs.
Unfortunately Gustav never saw the pre-eminence that his country would attain, as he was killed during the battle of Lutzen in 1632.

Art: Daniel-Gleebits

Description

Last verse same as the first. Do more than three and you're cursed!

I'm probably going to do more than three.

Now a brief description of our cast:

Darius III: The last (sort of) Shahanshah (King of Kings, or Great King) of the Achaemenid Persian Empire. After losing the battles of Issus and Gaugamela (or Arbela) to Alexander the Great, Darius III was subsequently kidnapped by his cousin and satrap, Bessus, whom eventually murdered Darius and proclaimed himself Artaxerxes V.
Whilst little is known of his earlier life, Darius was apparently a wrestler of unusual strength and endurance, by reputation never losing a match. This tends to clash with the idea of him being a coward, running from losing battles, but it's more likely that his escaping were sound political moves. The position of Shah was highly personal; so long as he lived, his empire remained solvent. Should he be captured or killed it would have splintered. Tragically, he was by most accounts a competent ruler during troubled times, and may have been a stabilising force in his empire had Alexander not invaded.

John Sobieski: One of the true badasses (and earliest known cosplayers) of the High Middle Ages, Sobieski was king of the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth. During the third ottoman attempt to take Vienna, capital of the Hapsburg imperial domains, Sobieski led a charge of the legendary Winged Hussars, thwarting turkish attempts to push into the heart of Europe, earning him the reputation as the saviour of christendom by Pope Innocent XI.
One of the last truly successful Polish kings, Sobieski is particularly known to certain military enthusiasts for the aforementioned Winged Hussars, one of the earliest know LARP groups of the medieval period. Despite their somewhat comical appearance, their war record is deeply impressive, and their reputation as heavy cavalry was the envy of other European monarchs.
Selim the Grim: Selim goes down in history with others such as Phillip II, Constantius Chlorus, and Friedrich Wilhelm: all men with sons more famous than them, but arguably the reason for their son's successes.
Father of Suleiman the Magnificent (or in Turkey, "the Lawgiver"), Selim was a capable and diligent ruler, extending the Ottoman state to nearly twice its size, and revising its infrastructure to help stabilise its control over its many territories. Nevertheless, the sobriquet "the Grim" didn't come without merit. He dealt harshly with his viziers (advisors) to the point that it became a common curse to wish someone to become Selim's vizier. A likely apocryphal anecdote has one of his viziers jokingly asking Selim to give him forewarning if he were thinking of executing him, to which Selim responded that he would have given him that warning right then if there had been someone competent enough to replace him.
Selim had a reputedly imposing figure, tall and broad shouldered. He is thought to have killed two of his own brothers, and rebelled against his father, to attain the throne.
Siddhartha Gautama: Known more commonly as the Buddha, Siddharta's history is prone to the same issues as any religious figure. Namely what facts to distill from the legend.
Generally it is thought that Sidd was born a prince in what is now Northern India/Nepal. He endured no hardships through his young life, but became aware that there existed suffering in the world beyond his home. He grew up, married, and had children, but becoming increasingly troubled by the suffering of others, departed from his family to seeks a means of ending it. Deciding that attachment was what led to suffering, he attempted to deny himself all attachment, and suffered greatly as he nearly died of starvation and exposure, leading him to determine that the way to true enlightenment was the "middle way". This, he determined, was a means of avoiding karma and achieving Nirvana, breaking the reincarnation cycle to enter oneness with the universe.
(Take this as a super condensed version of Buddhism, and probably incorrect in places. For a proper look into Buddhism, please inquire through proper sources.)
Nikephoros II Phokas: Possibly my favourite Eastern Roman Emperor, Nikephoros was known as the Pale Death of the Saracens, and whole Muslim armies were reported to flee or avoid battle with him just because of his sheer reputation.
A deeply religious, one might even say ascetic, man, Nikephoros reign as emperor was mostly maintained by his extensive military victories and conquests, some of the last before the long, painful demise of the byzantines. Otherwise he was generally unpopular, having not an inch of charisma, being brash and rude, and having little time or inclination for court politics. How does a guy get to be emperor without being interested in intrigue and treachery? That’s all the fun of byzantine politics!
This weakness eventually led to his demise, when a conspiracy led by his estranged wife, and his equally disenchanted nephew, John Tzmiskes, led to his being beaten to death and beheaded in his bed chamber.
Nikephoros reputedly had a number of odd habits and interests. He was embroiled in a bitter argument with the church trying to get soldiers who died against Muslims to be considered martyrs, and reputedly wore a thoroughly uncomfortable shirt beneath his armour as a means of religious self-punishment, which apparently made him more ferocious in battle. That and wine.

Sir Terry Pratchett: How can he even need describing? Most famous for writing the Discworld series of 41 (holy shit!) books, Terry Pratchett is the mad genius, Daniel Dennett-looking quintessential awesome granddad of our generation. Really, I’m not doing you the disservice of relaying his awesomeness in a paragraph, just go read his material. It’ll do him far more service than I ever could.
Taizong: One of the most celebrated emperors in all of Chinese history, the Taizong emperor is the one in hundreds whom people to this day claim to be the textbook example of a competent ruler.
The second emperor in one of China’s most famous dynastic periods, the Tang, Li Shimin is arguably responsible for the dynasty’s establishment, as it was he who convinced his father, Gaozu, to rebel against the previous weakened Sui dynasty. He’s additionally responsible for stabilising the realm and defeating a number of its more ruthless enemies, such as the successors of the Gokturks, who mirrored the dreaded Xiongnu of the Han period.
Unlike most other dynasties, the earlier emperors of the Tang such as Taizong were personally active in military affairs. Although he wasn’t above sending trusted generals to deal with serious situations, Taizong interested himself in matters of war outside of those of the Confusion Court. By some accounts he was curiously unconcerned, and even dismissive of, superstition, preferring rational discourse and logic in making decisions. Personally I find this a little odd for someone whose whole base of legitimacy in the Chinese imperial tradition is that he is the Son of Heaven who rules by the mandate of the heavenly hierarchy, but who am I to argue results?
Mithridates VI: The last true king of the Hellenistic, eastern kingdom of Pontus, Mithridates was one of, if not the most difficult challenges posed to Republican Rome besides Hannibal Barca.
Mithridates was a wily and unscrupulous ruler, known contemporarily as the Poison King for his alleged knowledge of poison making, and his rumoured concoction to make himself immune to most forms of toxins. In addition to this he also modelled himself (none too originally) on Alexander the Great, wearing a lion skin like Herakles and leading cavalry charges. He first came to Rome’s attention during their establishment in Anatolia (modern Turkey) as they absorbed the kingdom of Pergamum, allied with Bithynia, and defeated the Antigonid and Seleucid kingdoms. Taking advantage of unrest in the Roman homeland, Mithridates engaged in no fewer than three wars against the Romans, requiring the likes of Sulla, Lucullus, and Pompey to eventually corner and defeat him. During the war there are reports of him utilising bears and other wild animals against Roman sieges (see video by Historia Civilis for details). In the end he attempted to poison himself to avoid capture, but turned out to be immune (go figure), and so instead had to be stabbed to be death by his guards.

Barbarossa: Properly Frederick I, Barbarossa is a nickname literally meaning “grape”, and is a reference to his red hair. More specifically his red beard. His name means Red Beard. Pirate references.
One of the more notable of the so-called Holy Roman Emperors, he was a member of the Hohenstaufen, or “Swabian” dynasty (these were the days before Hapsburgs routinely got the throne). He was apparently a robust fellow, long-lived, politically astute, a consummate organiser, and had ambitions to rival any of his contemporaries. Which may possibly have been what got him killed. He’s responsible for re-establishing Roman law (specifically the laws attributed to Justinian and his successors) as a means of trying to stem papal authority in his lands. He’s generally best known by moderns for being one of the high monarchs of Europe to engage in the third crusade, and subsequently dying there. Not in battle, not to disease, or starvation, or any of a thousand deaths he might have endured and been less embarrassed by, but by allegedly stumbling into a river and drowning. Actual reports of his death are contested; some say he was thrown from his horse and went into shock as he hit the freezing water, others say he was weighed down by his armour and jewellery. Still, it’s pretty ignominious in my opinion for such a great man, and not the least for going on a whopping great waste of time as a crusade.

Takeda Shingen: Like many in the Sengoku Jidai, Shingen changed his name over the course of his life. Born as Katsuchiyo, he gained the name Harunobu upon reaching manhood. The name Shingen is in fact his Buddhist temple name, and can be pronounced in Japanese as an inversion of the name Harunobu (ie. Nobuharu). One of the true legends of the warring states period, Shingen was known as the Tiger of Kai, his home province, and is principally known for two things: his unique take on Japanese cavalry, and his personal rivalry with Uesugi Kenshin. Takeda cavalry deployed by Shingen utilised an hitherto unforeseen tactical deployment in Japanese history, and became the principle thrust of his armed forces. They distinguished themselves in many battles under capable officers during Shingen’s life, although they fell on difficult times and were made practically defunct under his son, Katsuyori, when he pitted them against the combined Oda-Tokugawa forces in the battle of Nagashino.
Shingen’s rivalry with Uesugi Kenshin became one of the markers of the Sengoku Jidai, and has been mythologised to some extent in the modern day as a gentleman’s war. The clans of Takeda and Uesugi were arguably the most powerful in Japan at the time, but their inability to look past this rivalry allowed the Oda, and later the Tokugawa and Toyotomi forces to sweep west and take the imperial capital. Shingen’s death is another contested historical point. Accounts offer that he died of illness, a sniper shot, or an old wound.

Uesugi Kenshin: Or Nagao Kagetora before his adoption into the Uesugi clan (see what I mean about names?), Kenshin was another of the legendary figures of the Sengoku Jidai, being the great nemesis of Takeda Shingen.
Unlike many places in Japan at this time, which suffered under the 100 year internecine war, Kenshin’s rule over Echigo province actually led to a marked increase in economy and living standards thanks to his able administration. Nevertheless he was most well known for his battlefield prowess and apparently honourable conduct in war, and was known by his followers as the God of War (referring to the Buddhist Japanese deity Bishamonten, not Kratos).
Kenshin’s legacy today in Japan is tinged with a fixation on his physical appearance, which was reportedly very handsome and almost womanlike, with long hair and a fair complexion. This has led to some in the modern day to speculate that Kenshin was in fact a woman, and that her adopting a male identity was merely the means by which she might rule in a male-dominated society. There’s little to no evidence of this being the case of course, but it is a fascinating notion. He never had children of his own, but did adopt at least two boys during his life. Kenshin died rather anticlimactically of cancer after forming an alliance with the Takeda against the Oda-Tokugawa forces. If he had lived, it’s quite possible that the Tokugawa Shogunate would never have happened.
Wangari Maathai: Preferring to go by her birth name, Wangari Muta, Wangari was a Kenyan environmentalist who founded the Green Belt Movement, an NGO dedicated to planting trees, environmental conservation, and the furtherance of women’s equality.
Born during the British colonial reign of Kenya, Wangari gained admittance to study abroad in the United States through a program green lit by senator John F. Kennedy. Whilst in the US she would study biology, eventually earning a master’s degree before returning to Kenya, where she was denied a university job, allegedly because of her gender. After working a job and meeting her husband in Germany, she later returned and, in 1971, became the first Kenyan woman to receive a doctorate, specifically in veterinary anatomy. Working as a professor at the University of Nairobi, she went on to campaign for a seat in parliament, as well as founding the Green Belt Movement, encouraging the planting of tree nurseries throughout the country. Whilst she didn’t manage to gain a government seat in the 70’s, she ran again in 2002 and was overwhelmingly elected, and served in the environmental ministry.
She died in 2011 from complications with cancer.
Khosrow I Anushruwan: The 22nd and arguably the greatest of the Sassanian Shahanshahs, Khosrow was a contemporary to Justinian and his most dangerous foreign rival. Whilst Eastern Rome rolled over western Europe, the Sassanid Persian Empire remained the one true organised force that could halt their ambitions of reconquest, thanks to the efforts of Khosrow and his father, Kavadh I. To fans of Rome this makes him one of the biggest villains in history, but you’d be pressed to find many people in his own time (still alive) to tell you so.
Anushiruwan translates to “the Immortal Soul”, and was granted to him upon his annihilation of a particular Zoroastrian sect led by a reformer named Mazdak. He is still known in Persia (modern Iran) by that title today. Khosrow was not a man to be trifled with, killing his own older brother when the latter rebelled, and running amok over the eastern border of the Roman Empire for years before Justinian could organise proper resistance. Khosrow filled this time with a large number of middle-fingers to the Romans, such as sacking their cities, knocking down Antioch and then rebuilding it in Persia and renaming it “Wey Antioch Khosrow”, which literally means “Khosrow’s better Antioch”, and even moving all the citizens from the original Antioch to the new one. He was even said to have taken over a Roman city, and then hosted chariot races there whilst ordering the racing faction that Justinian supported to lose on purpose.
Because, fuck Justianian I guess?
He didn’t get everything his own way though. During this invasion, Justinian’s greatest general, Belesarius, put paid to Khosrow’s plans by ignoring him and instead invading the Persian homeland, forcing Khosrow to retreat. The next year, plague struck both sides, reducing Khosrow to his bed until he recovered from the disease. Khosrow survived to tangle with Justinian’s immediate successors before dying at the ripe old age of 78.

George Washington: For the Americans out there, I’ll try to include some lesser-known facts here. As most know, he was the first president of the United States, having been instrumental not only in the establishment of the nation through military arms, but also in aiding Alexander Hamilton in supplanting the Articles of Confederation with the Constitution. Other than that Washington was loathe to engage in the political squabbles that tended to erupt between what was then basically Jefferson’s and Hamilton’s rising rivalry.
A fairly liberal man for his day, he grew uncomfortable with slavery over the course of his life even though he never freed his own until after his death. Unlike many of his co-founding fathers, Washington was a fervent Anglican, and personally believed in an active deity as opposed to the deistic and atheistic notions of his contemporaries. Despite this he tried never to use his religion in his politics or to dictate policy, believing like his fellows that state sponsorship of religion was dangerous and fragmentary, and that the Enlightenment ideas of rationalism should trump superstition. He commonly emphasised religious toleration and forbade or criticised the debasement of minority faiths.
Washington goes down in history as one of the greatest American presidents and was arguably one of the main players in setting the US on its current path of federal domination, if only accidentally. During the war with Britain he constantly bemoaned the fact that the government was incapable of gathering funds because of the loose rules of the Articles of Confederation. This led to the stricter and more unifying Constitution.
Titus Labienus: One of if not the most underrated Roman in history, Labienus was Caesar’s most capable and accomplished lieutenants during his conquest of Gaul. A general in his own right, Labienus is frequently and positively mentioned in Caesar’s Commentaries, the self-penned work Caesar sent back to Rome detailing his exploits. In fact, Labienus is the only one of his tribunes mentioned by name.
Of equestrian rather than Patrician status, he didn’t have the name recognition of people like Caesar, and didn’t have their political acumen, but was a military genius. Some historians have gone so far as to consider a large part of Caesar’s success down to Labienus. This is most easily seen during the mass rebellion against Caesar’s rule in Gaul. During a time of mass uprising, Caesar’s legions were dispersed across the country, most of them being besieged or attacked by local Gaulish forces. Most had to be rescued or were destroyed, except for those under Labienus, who successfully defeated the Gauls attacking him before linking back up with Caesar.
When Caesar rebelled against the senate, Labienus chose to switch sides rather than stay with Caesar. Taking a few thousand cavalry specifically loyal to him, Labienus left his legion quickly without trying to stir up trouble in the ranks, and Caesar later sent his belonging back to him. Labienus joined the Pompeian side in the civil war, and played a part as a cavalry commander at the battle of Pharsalus, fought in Spain under Scipio, and eventually met his end at the Battle of Munda in southern Spain.
Muhammad: Born in the 6th century, Muhammad ibn Abdullah is the commonly accepted founder of the religion of Islam, an Arabian monotheistic religion founded upon the Abrahamic tradition.
Born during a time when Arabia was disunited, Muhammad is said to have had a theistic epiphany at the age of 40, receiving visions from the angel Gabriel. This led him to eventually proselytise his new faith and unite Arabia into an Islamic empire, the Dar a-Islam, or “the House of Submission”. This empire would later expand under the caliphates to spread across much of the then known world, spreading from Spain in the west to China in the east.
Many of the hadiths (traditions set down in later years) record Muhammad’s appearance as being relatively plain, being of average height and having no particularly distinguishing features other than a particular mole on his back, commonly referred to as the “Seal of Prophecy”. Apparently the mole stood out and was of a larger than average size.
Timothy Zahn: Sadly, I can’t put quite as much to paper(?) as some of the other conquerors and world-changers on this list when it comes to Tim Zahn. All I can say is that he has enriched my life, and the Star Wars Universe.
Born in 1951, Zahn is most well known for his introduction of the character Grand Admiral Thrawn to the Star Wars galaxy, with an ongoing series of 12 Star Wars books so far, including the Thrawn Trilogy, the Hand of Thrawn books, Outbound Flight, and the more modern Thrawn novels written after the Disney takeover. It’s arguable that Timothy Zahn preserved Star Wars into its current cycle, and that much like popular series before it, Star Wars would have sunk into the background of memory for we who grew up with it. Fortunately, Zahn’s Thrawn Trilogy emerged in the early 90’s, rekindling the spark of enthusiasm for Star Wars until it resurged in the 2000’s.

Diogenes: Without doubt by absolute favourite Ancient Greek philosopher (yes, even you Hippocrates). Not to downplay the furtherance of medicine, but Diogenes has to be the sassiest of the ancient philosophers, and the one with the most ironical of minds. According to sources, Diogenes lived in Corinth, one of the most disreputable of the city-states since it lay at the centre of a trade point where all sorts of ne’er-do-wells took their business. During the day he would go around with a lit lamp trying to find an honest man.
He lived quite literally in a barrel, a discarded giant pot or barrel abandoned on the docks, and believed that modern societies were overly complex and corrupt. To this end he tended to conduct himself in very non-traditional ways. Like not wearing any clothes.
My absolute favourite story about him takes place when Alexander the Great, having just succeeded to the hegemonship of Greece, visits Corinth and seeks Diogenes out. Upon finding the old man lying naked, sunbathing, Alexander asks him what he, Alexander, can do for Diogenes as hegemon of Greece. Without blinking, Diogenes reportedly asked Alexander to kindly move out of the way of the sun, which Alexander did. Alexander is thought to have responded to this by saying that, if he were not Alexander of Macedon, he should wish to be Diogenes.
Tiglath-Pilesar I: As with many from civilisations of pre-antiquity, Tiglath-Pilesar has comparatively little known about him.
He was a high king during the Middle Assyrian period, roughly the 11th century BCE, of the expansive and long-lived Assyrian Empire. During his reign Assyria reached one of its several peaks of power, becoming the prime power in the Middle East for some four to five hundred years. Under him Assyria reached some of its largest territorial extents, and engaged in a series of building projects throughout the realm, making him one of the greatest Assyrian kings, and one of the most recognisable. That being said, like many rulers and according to the reputation of Assyria itself, he worked to create a reputation of fear among his subjects and his foreign rivals to fend off rebellion and incursions.
Assyria in general has a rather unfortunate reputation among those who know anything about them thanks in large part to the bible. The Assyrians believed in a very strict order of the world, where their king was the vicar of the great god Ashur (for whom Assyria and its capital, Assur, are named). All order and divine command originates from Ashur, and thus the king’s authority was absolute. Betrayal or rebellion against the Assyrians was viewed as heresy as much as a political tool, which has led (mainly from the late Assyrian period) to the slightly overdrawn reputation for unusual cruelty from the Assyrians. In truth, the Assyrians engaged in little that its contemporaries didn’t also practice, and it seems unlikely that Assyria could have lasted for so many millennia if they were so consistently malevolent.
Borte Ujin:Although not often remembered beside her infamous husband, Borte was the first wife and Great Khatun of Genghis Khan.
Born to the Olkhonud clan, the same clan to which Temujin’s (Genghis’) mother belonged to, Borte was betrothed to him at the age of 10, eventually marrying at the age of 17. She was subsequently kidnapped by the Merkits, one of the powerful tribal confederations on the steppe, and was later rescued by Temujin with help from his patron, Toghrul, and his blood brother Jamukha.
Borte was a formidable woman, reportedly intelligent from a young age, and capable of ruling in her own right. During Ghengis’ foreign excursions, she ruled directly over the former territory of the Tatars with her own bureaucracy. During his reign, she and her mother-in-law, Hoelun, were among Temujin’s most trusted advisors, and several important decisions were made with their prompting and advice.
She gave Temujin nine children, including four sons, all of whom would go on to form their own khanates within, and then from the body of the Mongolian empire.

Sir Sidney Smith The guy that beat Napoleon.
No, you didn’t read that wrong. According to Napoleon Bonaparte himself, this guy was the man to make Bonaparte “miss (his) destiny”.
Born to a naval family, he joined the navy at the age of 13 and quickly rose up the ranks, participating in the American war for independence and, after the war, for the Swedish navy, for which he was knighted (by the Swedish) and made a member of the Svardsorden (Order of the Sword), for which he was mocked by his British peers. Quite how you get mocked for being a badass is quite beyond me.
Eventually, following the declaration of war on republican France, Sidney travelled to Toulon where he first engaged with his nemesis, and managed to almost single-handedly destroy half the French fleet there. He was later criticised for ONLY destroying half the fleet. Seriously.
During his career fighting Napoleon he would be captured once, and escape after writing a very scathing message on the prison walls. Napoleon would react to this very maturely, by having the entire building demolished.
During Napoleon’s failed invasion of the Middle East, Sidney would write a number of letters to him offering terms of fair surrender, and some mocking revenge notes about how their roles had reversed. Napoleon ignored the former and proceeded to get a lot of his men killed before abandoning the expedition and simply declaring victory upon returning home.
Putting down his entire career would take a book or two, but this guy was a sassy legend. He made Admiral Horatio Nelson, a guy infamous amongst his colleagues for ignoring orders and taking initiative, complain about him ignoring orders and taking initiative.
Ludwig van Beethoven: You know, the guy who wrote Ode to Joy. Oh wait, no, that’s wrong. That was written by Friedrich Schiller and Beethoven just used it in his Ninth Symphony.
Oh well, Beethoven was still an extraordinary fellow, but is an example of the more tragic figures in art history. He suffered from many ailments throughout his life, including his well-known slide into deafness as he aged, and starting in his twenties, increasing pains in his abdomen which apparently contributed to his natural irascibility. He was also frustrated in love thanks to class issues, and is known to have contemplated suicide. Nevertheless, he maintained a dedicated circle of friends who at times competed to maintain his spirits, and was successful as a composer in his lifetime, even though his work for the Austrian court in Vienna was at times very trying thanks to his “low birth” and censorship in the empire.
He remains one of the most famous names in music of all times, and was instrumental (ha!) in bringing western musical styles into the romantic period. His death is a matter of controversy amongst doctors and historians, with multiple causes being proposed, including the idea that he was accidentally poisoned with lead by his doctor.
Vercingetorix: A leader of the Arverni tribe, Vercingetorix was one of the more farsighted figures in Gaul during Caesar's conquest. Managing to belatedly unite the Gaulish tribes behind him, he formed the last real resistance to Roman expansion into Gaul (modern France), conducting a cunning shadow campaign against Caesar rather than giving open battle.
Eventually Casesar managed to corner him in the fortified town of Alesia, and after a dramatic two-way siege during which the Romans laid siege to the town, and then an exterior Gaulish force laid siege to the Roman fortifications, Vercingetorix was forced to surrender, and fell into Roman custody. Following Caesar's eventually triumph, he was ritualistically strangled to death.
Vercingetorix became a heroic figure to the French in the 19th century, raised as a hero against the oppression of tyranny, and made into an archetype by the likes of Napoleon III.
George Carlin: One of my favourite contemporary comedians, Carlin gave no shits about your feelings, and was happy to tell you why. On a more serious note, he was one of the most influential of the “none-safe” comedians, helping to establish the modern sense of cultural criticism many of us enjoy today. His more notable comedic critiques were aimed at such institutions as the church and the American government, and the notion of American exceptionalism.
For you younguns, he also featured in a number of iconic movies, including Dogma, the Pixar movie Cars, and as Rufus in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.

Vera Atkins: Born in Romania before the outbreak of the first world war, Vera emigrated to Britain in 1937 to escape increasing levels of anti-Semitism, her mother being of Jewish descent.
In 1940 she joined the Special Operations Executive (SOE) as a secretary, working to plant spies in France during the second world war. Whilst not generally popular in her job she was considered by her superiors to be dedicated and skilled in her work.
During the war her branch of the British spy network was heavily compromised by German counter-espionage in Paris, thanks in large a part to a double agent. Nevertheless, Vera was suspected as being part of a larger conspiracy to compromise scores of British agents, although she was eventually officially cleared of suspicion.
Following the war she dedicated a great deal of her time to tracking down the missing 118 agents under the auspices of MI6, eventually tracking down the fates of almost all of them.
She died in 2000 at the age of 92, as a lifetime smoker.

Georgy Zhukov: (My version here is based on an old Soviet-era propaganda poster. Those things just drip with that old-style grandeur, I love them.)
One of the success stories in the bloody rise of the Soviet Union, Georgy Zhukov was born a peasant, and joined the Soviet military during the Russian civil war. Before the Soviet involvement in WWII, he was involved in the Khalkin Gol campaign, during which he pioneered Soviet strategies of tank deployment, and was made a Hero of the Soviet Union.
During the Great Patriotic War (WWII) Zhukov joined the Stavka, the Soviet High Command, becoming one of Stalin’s most trusted and competent generals. Following the successful invasion and subduing of Nazi Germany, Zhukov carried out the official surrender and led the Moscow victory parade.
Following the war, Zhokov’s career became more perilous. Perceived as a threat to Stalin, he was constantly demoted, promoted, and demoted again. He was appointed to the Presidium under Khrushchev but then subsequently forcibly retired during a foreign visit.
Despite Soviet-American rivalry following the war, Zhukov possessed a mutual respect for and with Dwight Eisenhower.
Jalal ad-Din: The last ruler of the Khwarezmian Empire, Jalal is another rather tragic figure, having been alive during the rise of the Mongols.
Born the son of Muhammad II, Jalal ad-Din came to power in 1220 following his father’s death in exile. Having spent several years in India drumming up support, he returned to Persia in an attempt to restore the Khwarezmian domains, having to move further west than the traditional heartland. This brought him into conflict with several entities, including the Seljuks of Rum, and the Christian kingdoms of Georgia. His rule required continuous military excursions against his perpetually hostile neighbours, until in the 1230’s he was utterly defeated by a renewed Mongol invasion ordered by Ogedei Khan.
Unable to prepare against this renewed onslaught he attempted to flee, only to be murdered by a nameless peasant.
Wernher von Braun: The father of rocketry, von Braun is commonly known today as a pioneer in American space engineering.
Von Braun is a curious figure, since he worked extensively under the nazi regime before being taken to the US through Operation: Paperclip, as part of the V-1 and V-2 programs. Under him, though arguably beyond his control, worked the slave labourers characteristic on the nazi regime. It is generally accepted that von Braun felt he was helpless to change these circumstances, and was not above suspicion, having been arrested at least once by the Gestapo on suspicion of communist sympathies.
In the US his work was oriented towards the eventual establishment of NASA and several of its iconic launches, including the Saturn and Apollo projects. He also worked on developing the US’s intercontinental missile system, and advocated for a human mission to Mars.
Edward Gibbon: The man, the legend, Edward f%#$-mothering Gibbon.
Author of the majesterial volumes The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, Gibbon has been described as one of the most influential historians of all time, inspiring such people as Winston Churchill.
Like many gentlemen of his time, he engaged in the grand tour of Europe upon his majority, eventually reaching Rome where he is alleged to have been deeply inspired to compose a history of the city, an event known as the “Capitoline vision”, Capitoline referring to one of the seven hills of Rome. He composed all six volumes of the Decline and Fall in only 12 years, and placed him into an aura of literary prominence throughout Europe.
His work was controversial during his day for treating the institution of the church as a “mere” phenomenon of general history, leading to several of the more flaky nations to ban its printing. His criticisms of Christianity went further as he wrote scathingly of its organisation in the Roman Empire, and his view that it contributed to the collapse of the imperium.
It should probably be noted that maintstream scholarship does not consider Christianity to have played a major role in the downfall of Rome, although the case can be made that christianity’s inherent and ubiquitous divisiveness contributed to the social fracture of the empire over the course of its history.
Enrico Dandolo: Speaking of the collapse of Rome, lets have a look at someone who is singularly more responsible than some others.
The 41st Doge (Duke) of that most serene republic of Venice, he was known his own day for his piety (sort of), political acumen, and refusal pop his clogs at a reasonable age, living to the age of 98.
Dandolo is most infamously known for essentially hijacking the fourth crusade, taking advantage of the crusader’s lack of funds to direct its energies towards the benefit of Venice’s territorial expansion. Namely attacking Christian cities and reabsorbing them into Venice’s thalassocracy. If that weren’t bad enough, ignoring the Pope’s furious declarations of excommunication of all involved, Dandolo went on to “help” the East Romans settle a dynastic dispute, invading Constantinople and sacking it when the winner couldn’t pay the fee.
This led to the fragmentation and ultimate breaking of Byzantine military and economic strength, arguably making any recovery of the Roman state irretrievable. If you’re getting the sense that I’m butthurt about this, YOUR’RE DAMN RIGHT I’M BUTTHURT ABOUT IT!
Fuck you, Enrico Dandolo, you blind old opportunistic Italian piece of shit. Whether or not you think he meant for it to happen, it did, and it’s his fault.
Rousseau: Born in the 18th century in Geneva, Rousseau is one of the most iconic figures of the Enlightenment, and a prominent philosophe whose work heavily influenced modern political thought, and the French Revolution.
Most famous for writings such as the Social Contract, which laid out ideas for how to manage the emerging commercial society growing out of the medieval and renaissance periods. This included the controversial notion that monarchs were not in fact divinely appointed rulers, but that true power, known as sovereignty, was inherent in the people, and as such only the people should have the power to legislate law.
This got him into a great deal of trouble, requiring him to move from country to country, at one point taking up lodgings on behalf of Frederick the Great of Prussia at the urging of Voltaire.
One of my favourite anecdotes about Rousseau regards his stay in Britain, during which he developed a growing dispute with David Hume, during which Rousseaus suspected Hume of attempting to defame him and stealing his mail. It turned out (and this will amuse Extra History Fans) that the whole issue was started by an anonymous hoax letter written by Horace Walpole, son of Robert Walpole, the first Prime Minister.

George Clemenceau: The French Prime Minister at the end of World War I, Clemenceau was a radical politician who was instrumental in creating the severe conditions on Germany after the war.
Coming to power during some of the bleakest points in the war, Clemenceau advocated for a strong push for victory rather than capitulation or a settled peace. His frequent visits to the front lines and impassioned speeches raised the morale of the French army when morale was all but depleted. His restless disposition and passion earned him the sobriquet “Le Tigre”, the Tiger, and was described by Churchill as resembling a caged animal pacing behind bars.
Clemenceau is generally iconic in pictures featuring the war leaders for his enormous and manly moustache, from whence he gained much of his power and ferocity. Okay, that was a joke, but that thing was glorious.
Clemenceau was known to be proficient in duels, fighting a number against his political rivals, and practiced fencing every morning even into his later years.

Alcibiades: Possibly the most outrageous figure on this list, Alcibiades can adequately be described as what would happen if Sherlock Holmes, Tyrion Lannister and the Chipendales had an orgy and somehow formed an amalgamated lovechild.
Apparently ridiculously handsome and charming, Alcibiades was an outrageous figure in Athens, engaging in the kinds of gentlemanly fun such as might be found in the 18th century Hellfire clubs.
Despite this reputation (or perhaps because of it), he was a consummate politician, a renowned orator with an adorable lisp and tendency to pause whilst seeking the correct term, and had an uncanny ability to read people.
Taking general charge in Athens during the later third of the Peloponnesian War (and arguably being responsible for it), he suggested and led the infamous Sicilian Expedition, until he was recalled to face charges of impiety. He skipped town to Sparta, made friends with one of the kings, got his wife pregnant, and skipped town to Persia. There he made himself available to the local satraps, until eventually intriguing to take advantage of an oligarchic coup in Athens to get himself readmitted to a leadership role, only to be blamed for Athens defeat and fleeing to one of his castles in modern Turkey, where he was allegedly assassinated by Spartan forces in a dramatic last stand.

Francisco Goya: One of if not the most iconic Spanish artist of his day, Goya was a romantic painter during the French occupation of Spain by Napoleon, and is responsible for a number of iconic paintings of that era, often showing the suffering and atrocities portrayed during that time.
In the last years of his life he created the so-called Black Paintings, some of his most well known work, which includes such things as Saturn Devouring his Son, which depicts the Titan Cronos graphically devouring one of the gods.
A curious fact about Goya was that upon his death, when the Spanish government attempted to retrieve his body from France (where he had been living), the man sent to receive the body discovered that Goya’s skull was missing. To this day, the head has never been found.
Jigonhsasee: A clan mother of the Seneca tribe of the Haudenosaunee (people of the long house), or as is known in the west the Iroquois, Jigonhsasee is one of the legendary founding members of the confederacy, alongside Hiawatha and the Peace Maker. During the confederacy’s formation, she advocated on behalf of her tribe for unity under the Great Law of Peace, and according to legend, was instrumental in bringing Tadodaho, leader of the Onondaga tribe, into the Great Law.
Everything we know of her is based on oral histories, and the details are thus considered sketchy by modern history. Apparently Tadodaho was an evil man who drew vitality from his violent ways, growing snakes from his very hair like the Greek monster, Medusa. Jigonhsasee is said to have been able to purify him of these evils through spiritual realignment.
Within the confederacy, Jigonhsasee and the other clan mothers held the seats taken by the clan chiefs, reflecting the preeminent place of women in Iroquois society.
Itzcoatl: The fourth king of Tenochtitlan, he ruled over the South American clan known as the Mexica, the tribe that, during his reign, formed the Aztec Empire.
The son of king Acamapichtli, Itzcoatl came to power after the death of his nephew at the hands of the Tepanecs, leading to the Mexica throwing off their oppression and establishing themselves as a power in the region. During his reign he consolidated Mexica power, destroying and rewriting local histories so as to reinforce the eminence of his reign, and indeed of the Aztec religion.
While that is terrible – I can’t stand people who tamper with history for personal gain – he is well known for building up the imperial infrastructure inherited by his descendents, including causeways and roads, temples, and government services, which allowed for the eventual expansion of the Aztecs into a wider imperium.
Ibn Battuta: Possibly the world’s first tourist (other than Twoflower of course), Ibn Battuta was a prominent Islamic intellectual from modern Morocco who gained celebrity in his own time for travelling across much of the known world, ranging from the distant Mali Empire in south western Africa, to Constantinople in the East Roman Empire, to the islands of Indonesia.
Whilst some modern writers consider some of his recorded sights to be fictitious, his accounts give a valuable insight into the perceptions of contemporaries, and descriptions of some of the most far-away areas. His descriptions of the Mali Empire follow the legendary pilgrimage by Mansa Musa, and his visits to Constantinople record the latter years of the declining Roman Empire.
A common feature of his writings are his personal feelings about the places he visits, where he is frequently highly critical about how different things are from his home town. “I mean, it’s nice and Islamic, I guess, but it could be more Muslim, you know?”
Typical Tourist.

Sun Yat-sen: One of the figures here whom I have the most sympathy for. Here was a guy who never gave up in the face of failure. And boy did he fail a lot. Or at least his movements did. All the time. He led or contributed to rebellions, uprisings, new governments, and movements in China across several decades, most of which ended in being crushed by the imperial Chinese government, and in the end, from within by former allies and associates.
Much of Sun’s professional career was spent raising funds and support from foreign nations in support of his new regimes, during which he visited the US, France, Britain, and Japan, amongst others, frequently dogged and at one point kidnapped and detained by imperial agents.
His final attempt at raising a Chinese Republic did not see completion, and he didn’t live to see it. Following his death, the nationalist and communist divisions within his regime split apart, both claiming him as their progenitor, splitting the country into war again until the victory of the Communist state in 1949.
Gustavus Adolphus: Perhaps one of the more obscure figures on this list, Gustav II was King of Sweden during the Thirty Years War, the WWII of its time, and is credited with establishing Sweden as a Great Power in European affairs, where it would stay until the death of the Last Viking, Charles XII.
Under Gustav, Sweden entered the later phase of the Thirty Years War, and utilising then revolutionary tactics involving combined unit movements, managed to focus Sweden’s competent governmental structure and military might to win a number of important battles on the protestant side. Gustav is often known as the father of modern warfare for these pioneering techniques, and occupies a near legendary place in Swedish history as a result. Known as the “Lion of the North”, he is featured frequently in Swedish popular culture, including a number of metal songs.
Unfortunately Gustav never saw the pre-eminence that his country would attain, as he was killed during the battle of Lutzen in 1632.

Art: Daniel-Gleebits