Comments: 30
Red-Savage [2011-03-14 10:49:10 +0000 UTC]
I was compleeeeetly not expecting the sex scene. That's the honest truth. I'm not sure what I was expecting... I suppose I'm not accustomed to this genre. But I will say that it was well done, however, and it quickly turned into that special kind of horror you get when you're caught off guard at your most vulnerable moment.
This is a short work, so no real rating. I'll just say that it was well done. You establish the main character well and finish with her Succubus like ability, and you garner a lot of sympathy for the male character. Particularly the part where he's saying goodbye to Mum.
I suppose he won't be able to make that delivery in the morning.
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Red-Savage In reply to MidoriiBlue [2011-03-27 08:46:55 +0000 UTC]
Good deal. It's always good to be able to go back and rework something.
The worst thing a writer can have is the inability to go back and change stuff from the original, in my opinion.
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MidoriiBlue In reply to Red-Savage [2011-03-27 08:56:12 +0000 UTC]
Indeed...this storyline is really still in early stages so I am not taking a whole lot of time to re-work these snippets, but the critiques help me avoid pitfalls for the future if nothing else.
Honestly, I started posting these to find out if I could even write decently before I put time and heart into a full storyline. So far I am encouraged so I will continue on my merry way...well, between work, kids and school anyways!
Once I really start laying out this story, then I am afraid re-working will have to become a constant task.
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S-Raptor [2011-02-16 07:54:08 +0000 UTC]
I found this to be pretty crisp and clean with very few errors (not that I'm someone you'd ever want to proofread anything). It's clear that it's more than just a rough draft and I appreciate the opportunity to read something like that. There is a fair amount of mystery as to what is going on here, but the characters, as are pretty well revealed within that framework. For the most part it seems to move forward with a reasonable sense of logic, which I also appreciate a great deal. There are a few little things that struck be as being kind of jarring / odd, but nothing I really saw would I really say was wrong.
The most frequent glitch that I saw, I'm a little conflicted about myself. I've been looking over a lot of writing advice and one of the things that I find myself highly conscious of in my own writing is not to label emotions and instead show the reactions of them. I'm still not entirely convinced about all of it, but because I've been keeping such a keen eye out for it in my own writing, it really pops out wen I see it in other people's as well.
“Alyssiah loved hunting for a new toy.” “...he found he liked it.” “...it thrilling to think...” “He found it a bit unnerving...” “... to get a little nervous...” “He felt embarrassed...but relieved...” “...her strength frightened and excited him...” “...panic was all he could feel...” “...He felt foolish...” “...After much consideration though, he concluded that she was not...”
In most cases, they're not even really needed since you do a good job of getting inside the characters' heads and cluing us in on what they're thinking without needing to be this blunt about it. Like I said, it's something I tend to notice right away these days but I do kind of agree with the experts that things usually read better without it. Just something to think about.
In a similar vein, there there were a few places where there seemed to be needless bits added into the narration. Some of the ideas their conveying are already covered by what is written elsewhere. For instance, when “...he began to stammer...” the dialog is already constructed in such a way that I can tell he's stammering without also needing to be told specifically. Elsewhere, when the passageway is described as “dungeon-like” it seems a bit redundant to my ear since it's already been described quite clearly as being “dungeon-like,” but in much more interesting language.
I'm also becoming something of a proponent of avoiding adverbs. Sometimes they can work well, but usually I find a more specific verb fits in even better. Like “...forcefully pushed...” might work better simply as something like “shoved.” “Quickly strided” would probably be okay, since I suppose one could stride slowly(?), but in that case, I'd write it as “quickly strode” instead.
Something else I noticed were a few instances where I thought the wording seemed a little too modern for the setting. Things like: “she pushed it in by about 3 inches...” “... in less than 20 seconds...” “...just moving past the place indicating it was six o’clock...”
More often then not, even in a fantasy setting, I find that any distinctions of measurements (even if using an invented format) come across as being a little too picky. I tend to think that it doesn't need to be very specific in order to get across what is happening. If the distance is important, I'd use a much less accurate measurement, like the width of a hand or something like that -- something that's a little more organic and doesn't ask the reader to switch gears into a more analytical mindset. In the case of the entire scene with the secret door, I think most people will already know what it is without having to go into as much detail as it is currently presented.
“... pinky nail...” actually fits with that concept, but to my (highly subjective) ear, it sounds kind of juvenile or simplistic.
“...all his life force ...” might work in a setting with magic involved (even if it does sound a little too modern for my personal tastes) but I'm not so sure it fits with your POV character. As just a working class laborer, his thoughts would probably tend more toward more simplistic terms like “energy” or just “strength.”
Not only does “...What the fuck is happening to me!” also sound too modern to me, it also caught my eye for another reason. Just about all of this story is written from a very personal POV with the interior monologue of the POV character coloring and blending pretty seamlessly with the narration (as I think it should be done). I thought it was done so well that when you do occasionally set a specific piece of interior monologue off with italics, it seems out of place. I don't think you had much more of that in this piece but I did notice it again in some of your others. I'd suggest working the same sentiment into the narration without breaking into an actual thought; Or I'd leave the text exactly as it is and simply remove the italics. Regardless, it's not wrong, just not how I'd have done it.
Finally, a few little things just struck me as being a kind of jarring in the flow of the prose. Doubling up on “up” in the same sentence: “...keeping up with her and quickly began taking large gulps to try and catch up.” “jolts of heat” sounded weird...maybe drop “of heat” and just leave it as “jolts?” Wouldn't “she pushed the door open” work just as well as “then the door opened as she simultaneously pushed on it,” or is there something here that I'm missing? When you describe the wall with the secret door, I got a little confused because I was thinking something more like a garden wall, not the side of a building.
But, like I said, overall it's a pretty solid piece of writing. The things I did find are fairly subjective and open to interpretation as to whether they are actually wrong or not.
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DosMundos [2010-06-25 13:17:24 +0000 UTC]
The changes make Mathew a catch more worthy of her "talents".
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AuraKiss [2009-07-29 00:15:42 +0000 UTC]
I read this once a while back after you first posted it. At the time I was unable to comment on it. Very good! I must say I like the first part of it more than the second part. I am not sure why but for some reason I kept thinking Matt was going to notice the necklace and draw the two story scenes together.
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HugQueen [2008-09-30 04:08:52 +0000 UTC]
Wow, I wasn't sure what I was expecting after the first sentence but you gave me quite a thrill!I loved the casual meeting between Alyssiah and Mathew. It seemed so innocent, yet fated, I thought that was a lovely touch.
I liked how the secret passage is the opposite of what Alyssiah is, spooky/evil on the outside but beautiful on the inside, where she is spooky/evil on the inside and beautiful on the outside. I don't know if that was intention but it gave me this omnious feeling about her after that.
One thing I didn't like and thought was a bit...cliche was how he seems like too much of an innocent farm boy. I like the idea but he just seems...too perfect and too innocent. I understand he is shy but maybe add something to him to take a little of that edge off.
Alyssiah loved hunting for a new toy.
Your opening line is perfect! I simply love it, it made the devious side of me smile so much.
It was the first warmer day of spring.
Warmer seems awkward, just warm would make is flow better.
What the fuck it happening to me!
I think you mean is not it.
His vision began blurring, and then all went dark and silent.
You don't need the comma between "blurring" and "and".
Phew! I hope I helped dear! You are such a sweetheart and I simply loved this piece--great job!
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MidoriiBlue In reply to KaneUsagi [2008-06-30 14:26:28 +0000 UTC]
Thanks!! I have so many ideas running in my head on this story line that I need to just start nailing some down. Hopefully I will have more to post soon.
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MidoriiBlue In reply to Renco08 [2008-06-26 18:04:30 +0000 UTC]
Thanks so much for your comments! By period do you mean, timeframe in history?
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MidoriiBlue In reply to Renco08 [2008-06-26 18:13:36 +0000 UTC]
I actually have not really found a specific time period to base my story off of. I have some more research to do and this is to take place in a world similar to earth, but not earth itself so the dates and such will be totally fabricated. If I had to pick a timeframe to compare it to as it stands now, I would say more around the 1600's. If I may ask what made you think of the 1800's? Anything specific?
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Renco08 In reply to MidoriiBlue [2008-06-26 18:19:55 +0000 UTC]
I think it's the clothing references, seemed to me to be early Victorian, but what you just said makes more sense now.
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MidoriiBlue In reply to FireOpal14 [2008-06-26 18:05:02 +0000 UTC]
Thanks so much for your comment!!
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