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MidoriiBlue — Alyssiah [NSFW]
Published: 2008-06-25 19:55:58 +0000 UTC; Views: 549; Favourites: 4; Downloads: 0
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Description Alyssiah loved hunting for a new toy.  She had to find just the right one though; strong enough to last.  She was severely disappointed with her last find.  She had barely gotten started when that one puttered out.
She traipsed around the open air market, running her hands across this or that.  It was the first warm day of spring.  The sun was strong and it felt good to expose her flesh to its radiance.   She kept the hem of her green skirt lifted as she walked around to feel the light breeze on her legs.  It was midday and the market was busiest now.  The array of wares was dizzying, but she knew her way around well enough to stay focused on her path.  
She stopped to inspect a necklace that caught her eye.  A large dark red stone was surrounded by waving lines of silver that intertwined and spiraled intricately.  The piece hung on a large silver hoop that was opened at the other end.  It had an organic style she recognized all too well.  She wasn’t planning on stopping for wares today, but this was quite a rare find.
“How much for this piece?”  She indicated the necklace and flashed the man behind the cart a sweet smile.
“Ah, my lady, indeed this would be a lovely addition to your already beautiful neck.”  
Alyssiah had to place her hand over her mouth to stop her self from scoffing out loud.  What a horrible compliment.  She had no interest in being flattered right now; she just wanted to buy the damn thing.  However, being rude would probably only hold her up longer so she kept her thoughts to herself.
The man was short with untidy clothing and hair.   His nose was red and bulbous and he stank of ale.   Thick, stubby hands lifted the necklace towards her for a closer inspection.
“Well thank you kind sir, I know it would!”  She imagined herself slapping the perverted smirk off his face, making her smile seem more genuine.  She knew he did not craft such elegance; rather he most likely stole it.  No matter, she recognized it as a valuable item and wanted it none the less.
“How much then?” she pushed to get the price so she could be on her way.
“Well now, this is no ordinary trinket my lady, it is...”
“I know very well what this is, however, you sir probably have no idea since the person you acquired it from most likely didn’t know you lifted it from their possession!” Alyssiah hissed as she leaned in towards him.  His rank breath made her want to vomit.  
The man leaned back in surprise at her sudden outburst.
Alyssiah leaned in farther and whispered through clenched teeth.  “I understand it is a valuable piece and I wish to buy it from you so please name your price or shall I run you through and just take it?!.”  
“Uh, um, I…I suppose…” the man was visibly shaken by her unexpected threat.
Alyssiah sighed heavily and straightened.  Closing her eyes she tried to suppress her rage.  She reached into her coin purse at her side and grabbed a handful of gold coins and threw them on the table.  She then snatched the necklace from his sausage like fingers and curtly walked away.  She did not know how much money she had deposited on the table, but she knew it was more than enough to satisfy the greedy little thief.
Alyssiah hastily continued past the other carts.  She could feel the anger oozing out of her.   She began breathing deeply.  As of late she could barely keep her temper in check.  Normally, she was extremely patient when she wanted to be, but lately she just wasn’t herself.  She had needed more and more sessions as of late to help alleviate her growing rage.  If only things were going as planned she wouldn’t be so high strung.  At least she had a new plan in mind to help solve the issue; however, finding competent people to help carry it out was proving difficult.  
She pushed her way through the crowded street, ignoring the occasional protests from those receiving a firm shove from her.  Finally she reached the edge of the main market area where the crowd began thinning.  She found a bench next to an herb shop and sat down.  Closing her eyes she meditated until that boiling power calmed.  Satisfied that she could again focus on her goal, she opened her eyes.   She brought the new necklace up to eye level to inspect it closely, careful not to touch the blood red stone.  She then removed the plain silver pendant she was wearing and placed the heavy piece around her neck.  The weight felt good and she relished the cool feel of the metal against the flesh above her breasts.  She tossed the ordinary silver pendent on the ground.
Alyssiah scanned the street as people walked by.  She saw a young man staring at her from across the road.  She flashed him a smile and he quickly looked away.   She stayed seated and stared, ready to meet his gaze when he looked back.  He busied himself for a minute, loading a wagon with large bags of seed or some such thing.  He was not wearing a shirt and she could see his sinewy form, his muscles flexing with the effort of lifting the bags.  His tanned skin glistened with sweat in the bright daylight and it seemed she could almost taste it. His dark hair hung slightly over his eyes and he frequently pushed it away.  After a fourth bag was in place, he wiped the sweat from his brow with the back of his forearm then glanced her way.  This time he returned her smile
Well, well, apparently this time the toy has found me.

                                           ********

Matthew couldn’t believe his luck.  Never in his wildest dreams could he imagine finding such a beautiful creature crossing his path so perfectly.  Sitting at the window of his parents’ small kitchen, he watched the sun dial out in the garden.  His anxiousness was apparent in the rapid bouncing of his left leg.  He became lost in his memories of the afternoon.  Lydia was her name; her smile was enchanting, her voice like silk.  He had never seen eyes so blue; he could have stared into them forever.  She intimidated him; a first for his record book.  She was breathtaking.  Her face was flawless, her lips plump and stained deep red.  Rich golden brown ringlets hung over her shoulders, teasing the bare skin above her full breasts.    She was rather forward in the conversation they had, but he found he liked it.  He was always the instigator with woman and he found it thrilling to think of her taking charge of him.
Coming out of his thoughts, he started as he realized the dial’s shadow was just moving past the place indicating it was six o’clock.   He leapt from the wooden bench, took a quick inventory of the coins in his pocket and started out the door.
He spotted his mother on the side of the house, taking down some laundry from a line.
“I am off to meet a friend mamma, don’t wait up for me.”  
“Ok, but remember you have to drop off that order for Mr. Hubert early tomorrow.”
“Don’t worry, it’ll be done mamma.”  He gave her an angelic smile and a quick kiss on the cheek and quickly strided away down the dirt path towards town.
When he reached the place Lydia had told him to meet her, he found she was not there just yet.  Relieved he hadn’t kept her waiting, he paced slowly up and down the length of the nearby wall, trying to calm his nerves. He thought it was an odd place to meet, but his thoughts of her began to sweep away his doubts.  
It was not yet sundown but he saw a rowdy group walking by that obviously began drinking a bit early in the day.  He watched two brightly dressed women, their breasts barely held in by their tight corsets, walk into one of the larger buildings.  The sign about the entrance reading “The Red Horse” creaked rhythmically in the light evening breeze.  He knew there were prostitutes a plenty in that place.  He had been in there once; his buddy Tom had some luck gambling and insisted that Matthew join him in spending some of it.  They barely got past the guards at the door, who scrutinized them to no end.  It wasn’t until Tom handed over two gold pieces that they finally agreed to let them pass.  Once inside, Matthew realized why their patronage was not allowed until the right price was met.  The room was swarming with nobles and other various high-ranking officiates of the crown.  He recognized many and knew their names.  None of them would know him of course.  He had also been taken aback by how beautiful the women there were.  He was approached by them left and right.  Even knowing it was their business, he was still amazed at their impressive skills in bed.
Matthew had wondered at first if Lydia was a prostitute, unable to believe her boldness.   Although, he knew he was a good looking fellow, his stature in life wasn’t exactly attractive to beautiful women. After much consideration though, he conclude that she was not.  Whores were not generally shy about their intent.  Besides, Lydia exuded a certain sophistication and class that he had never encountered before.
“Waiting long?”  Matthew nearly jumped out of his skin at the sound of Lydia’s voice.
“Uh,…um no, no, not at all” he gave her a sheepish smile and nervously scratched the hair at the base of his skull.
“Good.” She said cheerfully.  
Matthew looked at her for a moment.  Incredibly he thought she looked even more beautiful than earlier today.  The deep azure color of her dress made her blue eyes blaze in the fading sunlight.  There was silver embroidery weaving delicately around the velvet bodice.  The pattern was repeated on the hem of the skirt.  Her hair was done up in an intricate bun with several silver pins inserted here and there.  He could never understand how women got their hair that way.  
She gazed back at him for a moment and then smiled warmly.
“Shall we be on our way?”
She grabbed his hand and started leading him down a small road to the south.
“Where exactly are we going?”  He asked, not that he really cared; as long as he was in her presence he found himself blissfully happy.
“It’s a surprise, so you will just have to be a patient boy.”  She looked back at him and winked.
That made him grin so big his cheeks began to hurt.
She was better at this than he was.  He found it a bit unerving to not be in control suddenly.  He wanted to ask more questions but his tongue just seemed to sit idle, refusing his orders to speak.  After a minute she released his hand and walked beside him.  
“Do you have someone you’re promised to Matthew?”  
The sound of her voice saying his name somehow caught him off gaurd.
“Uh, um, no, no one” he managed to stammer.  He wanted to slap himself, try to snap out of the stupor he was in.
“Good!  I don’t like to share.” she stated flatly, smiling at him.
He smiled back at her, appreciating her tenacity.
“You don’t talk much do you?”
“Well, no, I guess, well it depends on…”
“Don’t worry Matty, I think I can talk enough for the both of us anyways.”
Matty.  It sounded a little cutesy, but he didn’t mind so much.  Somehow he felt okay to let her have possession over him.  His facade of timidness was becoming less rehearsed and more genuine as he remained in her presence.  He smiled at her.  She returned his smile and grabbed his hand as they continued walking.
“Well, here we are” she stopped in front of what seemed to be just a brick wall.  It was a large wall, towering at least 4 stories.  He really hadn’t paid attention to where they were headed.  He wasn’t so sure where they were.  
“Where exactly is here?” he asked cheerfully.
“Oh, just a secret little place I covet” she was standing with her left hand on her hip and gestured to the wall.
“A wall?” skepticism leaked into his voice.
She flashed a knowing smile and placed her right hand on the wall.  She began pushing slightly against a brick; keeping her eyes locked on his.  As she increased the pressure on her hand Matthew couldn’t believe what he saw.  A seam began appearing in the brickwork in the shape of a doorway.  Once she pushed it in by about 3 inches, the ‘door’ began sliding to left, disappearing into the wall.
“It’s not magic” she said, seemingly reading his thoughts.  He realized his mouth was agape and quickly snapped it shut.
“It’s just an old secret passage from when this building was part of the main palace, hundreds of years ago.”
“How do you know about this?” he ask, stunned by the gaping doorway.
“My father was a stone smith as was his father and his before.  He would always show me little secret places that he or our ancestors created for the royal family.  This one is my favorite though; there is no one using this building anymore so it is a very quiet spot.  The secret died with the last royal who used it, most likely at the time of the Blood War”
She took his hand and led him through the opening.  They came into a hallway that looked to run the length of the building in both directions.  Lydia turned back and secured the door back in place, enveloping them in complete darkness.
“Hold on, I just have to find it.” Her voice trailed away from him as she made her way through the hallway to the left.  He could hear the sound of her light footsteps.
Then bright light erupted and he quickly closed his eyes against it.  With the torch in her left hand she gestured him to follow her with her right.  He complied, the deep shadows from her figure danced in the light of the flame as she led him down the hall.  He noticed the gradual slope of the floor as the corridor descended downward, below ground level.  The air was becoming heavy with moisture.  It smelled sweet though, like a lightly fragrant flower and something metallic mixed in with it.  He was beginning to get a little nervous as the hair on the back of his neck started to stand up.  He wasn’t sure how he trusted such a complete stranger to lead him to such an uninviting place.  He ignored his fears.  He had been in worst places.  Besides, she was a sweet, beautiful woman, how could he pass on the opportunity to get to know her?
“Here we are.”  Lydia said, coming to a halt before a simple wooden door.  She fumbled around in one of her purses hanging from her belt.  She pulled out an intricate silver key and placed it in the door.  He heard a series of clicks and then the door opened as she simultaneously pushed on it.  The room inside was the last thing Matthew would have expected to see coming off the dungeon-like passage way.
Torchlight reflected off beautiful tapestries and paintings covering the walls.  There was plush velvet furniture with variously patterned pillows atop.  In the far corner was a large bed, its post must have reached near eight feet high.  Looking up he saw the ceiling soared upwards; he couldn’t see its end.  The room was at least 10 times the size of his parents’ modest house.
“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Lydia whispered, seemingly in awe herself.
“I would have never guessed such a beautiful place was hiding in here” Mathew responded, still looking around, trying to take it all in.
“Well, I have always admired how our ancestors created some of the most beautiful things in our world.  This is shining proof.”  She smiled proudly, as if her own hands had gone into crafting the incredible space.
Finally taking his eyes from the room and putting them back on her beautiful form, Matthew finally began to wonder exactly what they were doing here.  He did not expect her to have the same purposes as he would in this situation; or did she?  The thought sent jolts of heat through his body.
“So, would you like a drink?”  She began walking toward a small wine table near the unlit fireplace before he could answer. Kneeling down, she opened the cupboard doors and began running a finger along the rows of bottles until it rested on her apparent target.
“Ah, this should do nicely” she said more to herself than him it seemed.  
She poured the dark red wine into two ornate crystal glasses.  It reminded him of blood and he felt that same chill return as his hair raised up on his neck and arms.  He found the odd sensation added to his excitement.  She handed a glass to him.  The stem was pewter and had a finely detailed dragon winding its way up to the top.  A single green jewel, about the size of his pinky nail rested in one of the dragon’s clawed hands.  He wondered how much something like this was worth.  Never had he seen something so beautifully crafted up close.  
He took a hefty sip, and felt the burn of the alcohol.  Although he drank wine on occasion, his palette was not accustomed to it, especially one so dry.  The ale he normally took in was like water compared to this.  He glanced at Lydia before taking another sip; hers was nearly half gone already.  He felt foolish for not keeping up with her and quickly began taking large gulps to try and catch up.  Lydia began fussing with the fireplace and in less than 20 seconds she had rather large fire going.  He wasn’t sure how she managed to make it so quickly.
“There a special chemical in some of the logs, that is how it burns so bright so quickly” She gave him a smirk, teasing that she knew what he was thinking.
“You wear your thoughts openly my sweet, do not be spooked, it is just that I have a talent at being perceptive to others’ tells, so to speak.  Come and sit next to the fire with me, it is rather dank here as I have not been in for a while.  The moisture has a way of taking over this place in my absence.”
Matthew complied and seated himself in the cushiony lounge chair across from her.  She absently made the dark wine swirl around in its glass as her stark eyes bore into him.  Matthew shifted nervously, trying his best to return her stare, but failing miserably.  A small smile grew across her face.  
“Please, don’t be so nervous Matty.”
“I’m not really, I...just….well, I am just not so sure what a woman like you is doing with a nobody like me.”  He felt embarrassed to admit it, but relieved to get his thoughts off his chest.
“A nobody?” she furrowed her brows.
“I find we never know our greatest potential until put to the test Matthew.  Don’t let your supposed station in the eyes of this society dictate how you perceive your self worth.  In the end we are all creatures of the creators and just trying to survive and enjoy what we can while we are here.”  She saluted him with her glass and took a large swig.  Matthew returned the gesture.  Her words gave him a renewed self confidence and he felt more like himself.  He took in a mouthful of the wine, the burning was not so bad anymore and his glass was almost empty.  
“Besides, it is simply that I find you attractive and interesting; is that so hard to believe?” her smile was playful.
He gave her a knowing smile and winked.  He felt the beginning euphoria of drunkenness kick in.  He realized he had neglected to eat anything after his initial meeting with Lydia and this wine seemed much stronger than any other he has tasted.  Fitting, given the woman who was offering it, he thought.  It was nice to finally feel relaxed.
She set her glass down and stood.  Slowly she walked over to him and bent over, kissing him lightly on the lips.  They were so soft. Easily falling into habit he grabbed her arm and pull her back to him, returning her kiss.  She let herself fall onto his lap, straddling him.  The feel of her form on him was exhilarating.  She reached up and pulled out several pins from her hair, allowing it to cascade down onto her shoulders.  She then began kissing him on the ear, then the neck, her hot breath setting him on fire.  He returned her advances full on, the momentum of his lust guiding him.  She grabbed his shirt and with one strong pull, ripped it off.  She began running her hands over his smooth chest, then kissed each nipple.  He lifted her up and began ripping at the ties on her bodice.  Finally, he was able to release her from it.  He caressed her breasts then greedily started sucking on them.  She grabbed him by the hair and then forcefully pushed him down onto the thick rug in front of the fireplace.  He gladly submitted to her force.  She lay down beside him and pulled him towards her.  He rolled on top of her, both trying to quickly remove the rest of their clothing.  Finally he was free to enter into her.  She pulled him down close as he did so, her strength frightened and excited him at the same time.  
“I want you Matthew” she whispered as she dug her nails into his back, he felt blood trickling along his skin, but the pain was minimal compared to the primeval pleasure of her body.  They moved fluidly together, as if it was meant to be.  Just then, as he felt that peak of pleasure it turned to excruciating pain.  His chest was tight, he felt like he was suffocating.  He tried to stop, but couldn’t.  What the fuck is happening to me!  He tried to pull away, but she held him fast.  His head felt like it would explode and dizziness started to set in.  He tried to scream, but found no voice as his energy waned.  He could feel her breath against his ear as she said it.  
“You are mine” she hissed.
As her face came into focus he didn’t see the sweet beauty of Lydia.  Instead, dark, calculating eyes stared back at him surrounded by a mass of deep crimson ringlets of hair.  Her face had a dark beauty to it and her smile was the most malicious he had ever seen.  Pain and panic was all he could feel as he found himself captured by this strange monster.   He focused momentarily on her eyes and he saw the madness in them, like a ravenous beast succumbed to blood lust.  As she continued her task, he began to feel as if all his life force, his very soul was being leached from his body, he tried to free himself with what little strength was left, but it seemed nothing could release her grip on him now.  He soon felt paralyzed and saw her face contort into a strange mix of pleasure and pain as her body went suddenly rigid.  A strange buzzing filled his head and his vision began blurring and then all went dark and silent.

                                           ********
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Comments: 30

Red-Savage [2011-03-14 10:49:10 +0000 UTC]

I was compleeeeetly not expecting the sex scene. That's the honest truth. I'm not sure what I was expecting... I suppose I'm not accustomed to this genre. But I will say that it was well done, however, and it quickly turned into that special kind of horror you get when you're caught off guard at your most vulnerable moment.

This is a short work, so no real rating. I'll just say that it was well done. You establish the main character well and finish with her Succubus like ability, and you garner a lot of sympathy for the male character. Particularly the part where he's saying goodbye to Mum.

I suppose he won't be able to make that delivery in the morning.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

MidoriiBlue In reply to Red-Savage [2011-03-27 08:41:18 +0000 UTC]

LOL! I suppose not.

I had misgivings about the sex scene, but in the end I had to take a shot at it. I must say it was fun to write

Anyways, I am glad Mathew's character came across well. He is really just a pawn and I did not develop him well the first go around and re-worked it a bit later thanks to another deviant's suggestion.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Red-Savage In reply to MidoriiBlue [2011-03-27 08:46:55 +0000 UTC]

Good deal. It's always good to be able to go back and rework something.

The worst thing a writer can have is the inability to go back and change stuff from the original, in my opinion.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

MidoriiBlue In reply to Red-Savage [2011-03-27 08:56:12 +0000 UTC]

Indeed...this storyline is really still in early stages so I am not taking a whole lot of time to re-work these snippets, but the critiques help me avoid pitfalls for the future if nothing else.

Honestly, I started posting these to find out if I could even write decently before I put time and heart into a full storyline. So far I am encouraged so I will continue on my merry way...well, between work, kids and school anyways!

Once I really start laying out this story, then I am afraid re-working will have to become a constant task.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

S-Raptor [2011-02-16 07:54:08 +0000 UTC]

I found this to be pretty crisp and clean with very few errors (not that I'm someone you'd ever want to proofread anything). It's clear that it's more than just a rough draft and I appreciate the opportunity to read something like that. There is a fair amount of mystery as to what is going on here, but the characters, as are pretty well revealed within that framework. For the most part it seems to move forward with a reasonable sense of logic, which I also appreciate a great deal. There are a few little things that struck be as being kind of jarring / odd, but nothing I really saw would I really say was wrong.

The most frequent glitch that I saw, I'm a little conflicted about myself. I've been looking over a lot of writing advice and one of the things that I find myself highly conscious of in my own writing is not to label emotions and instead show the reactions of them. I'm still not entirely convinced about all of it, but because I've been keeping such a keen eye out for it in my own writing, it really pops out wen I see it in other people's as well.

“Alyssiah loved hunting for a new toy.” “...he found he liked it.” “...it thrilling to think...” “He found it a bit unnerving...” “... to get a little nervous...” “He felt embarrassed...but relieved...” “...her strength frightened and excited him...” “...panic was all he could feel...” “...He felt foolish...” “...After much consideration though, he concluded that she was not...”

In most cases, they're not even really needed since you do a good job of getting inside the characters' heads and cluing us in on what they're thinking without needing to be this blunt about it. Like I said, it's something I tend to notice right away these days but I do kind of agree with the experts that things usually read better without it. Just something to think about.

In a similar vein, there there were a few places where there seemed to be needless bits added into the narration. Some of the ideas their conveying are already covered by what is written elsewhere. For instance, when “...he began to stammer...” the dialog is already constructed in such a way that I can tell he's stammering without also needing to be told specifically. Elsewhere, when the passageway is described as “dungeon-like” it seems a bit redundant to my ear since it's already been described quite clearly as being “dungeon-like,” but in much more interesting language.

I'm also becoming something of a proponent of avoiding adverbs. Sometimes they can work well, but usually I find a more specific verb fits in even better. Like “...forcefully pushed...” might work better simply as something like “shoved.” “Quickly strided” would probably be okay, since I suppose one could stride slowly(?), but in that case, I'd write it as “quickly strode” instead.

Something else I noticed were a few instances where I thought the wording seemed a little too modern for the setting. Things like: “she pushed it in by about 3 inches...” “... in less than 20 seconds...” “...just moving past the place indicating it was six o’clock...”

More often then not, even in a fantasy setting, I find that any distinctions of measurements (even if using an invented format) come across as being a little too picky. I tend to think that it doesn't need to be very specific in order to get across what is happening. If the distance is important, I'd use a much less accurate measurement, like the width of a hand or something like that -- something that's a little more organic and doesn't ask the reader to switch gears into a more analytical mindset. In the case of the entire scene with the secret door, I think most people will already know what it is without having to go into as much detail as it is currently presented.

“... pinky nail...” actually fits with that concept, but to my (highly subjective) ear, it sounds kind of juvenile or simplistic.

“...all his life force ...” might work in a setting with magic involved (even if it does sound a little too modern for my personal tastes) but I'm not so sure it fits with your POV character. As just a working class laborer, his thoughts would probably tend more toward more simplistic terms like “energy” or just “strength.”

Not only does “...What the fuck is happening to me!” also sound too modern to me, it also caught my eye for another reason. Just about all of this story is written from a very personal POV with the interior monologue of the POV character coloring and blending pretty seamlessly with the narration (as I think it should be done). I thought it was done so well that when you do occasionally set a specific piece of interior monologue off with italics, it seems out of place. I don't think you had much more of that in this piece but I did notice it again in some of your others. I'd suggest working the same sentiment into the narration without breaking into an actual thought; Or I'd leave the text exactly as it is and simply remove the italics. Regardless, it's not wrong, just not how I'd have done it.

Finally, a few little things just struck me as being a kind of jarring in the flow of the prose. Doubling up on “up” in the same sentence: “...keeping up with her and quickly began taking large gulps to try and catch up.” “jolts of heat” sounded weird...maybe drop “of heat” and just leave it as “jolts?” Wouldn't “she pushed the door open” work just as well as “then the door opened as she simultaneously pushed on it,” or is there something here that I'm missing? When you describe the wall with the secret door, I got a little confused because I was thinking something more like a garden wall, not the side of a building.

But, like I said, overall it's a pretty solid piece of writing. The things I did find are fairly subjective and open to interpretation as to whether they are actually wrong or not.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

MidoriiBlue In reply to S-Raptor [2011-02-20 19:03:17 +0000 UTC]

Wow! Thanks for the thorough feedback! I love this!

I never thought about the labeling of emotions as redundant when they are already conveyed through the rest of the writing...that really gives me something to think about. I am a vocabulary and imagery junkie so it goes against some of my natural tendencies, but I think you have a valid point and I will have to really evaluate that.

I think you are correct on the modern language thing; I just never thought about it enough before.

Thank you for explaining your thoughts so well and even though they may be subjective things, you are part of the audience that I wrote for and I really am thankful to get inside your head and know how my writing works or does not work in your mind.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

DosMundos [2010-06-25 13:17:24 +0000 UTC]

The changes make Mathew a catch more worthy of her "talents".

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

MidoriiBlue In reply to DosMundos [2010-06-25 14:50:00 +0000 UTC]

Well I am so glad you think so!
Thanks so much!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

AuraKiss [2009-07-29 00:15:42 +0000 UTC]

I read this once a while back after you first posted it. At the time I was unable to comment on it. Very good! I must say I like the first part of it more than the second part. I am not sure why but for some reason I kept thinking Matt was going to notice the necklace and draw the two story scenes together.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

MidoriiBlue In reply to AuraKiss [2009-07-29 13:21:05 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for taking time to read it and comment!
I know some things don't fall together and I left holes. It is really just a writing exercise but elements of it pertain to a whole story I have in my head so I was careless on some of that stuff when sticking it in there.
Thanks so much for the input!!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

HugQueen [2008-09-30 04:08:52 +0000 UTC]

Wow, I wasn't sure what I was expecting after the first sentence but you gave me quite a thrill!I loved the casual meeting between Alyssiah and Mathew. It seemed so innocent, yet fated, I thought that was a lovely touch.

I liked how the secret passage is the opposite of what Alyssiah is, spooky/evil on the outside but beautiful on the inside, where she is spooky/evil on the inside and beautiful on the outside. I don't know if that was intention but it gave me this omnious feeling about her after that.

One thing I didn't like and thought was a bit...cliche was how he seems like too much of an innocent farm boy. I like the idea but he just seems...too perfect and too innocent. I understand he is shy but maybe add something to him to take a little of that edge off.


Alyssiah loved hunting for a new toy.
Your opening line is perfect! I simply love it, it made the devious side of me smile so much.

It was the first warmer day of spring.
Warmer seems awkward, just warm would make is flow better.

What the fuck it happening to me!
I think you mean is not it.

His vision began blurring, and then all went dark and silent.
You don't need the comma between "blurring" and "and".


Phew! I hope I helped dear! You are such a sweetheart and I simply loved this piece--great job!

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MidoriiBlue In reply to HugQueen [2008-09-30 16:29:19 +0000 UTC]

Wow! You really delivered on this for me! Thanks!!
Its funny I did not intend the passage way and Alyssiah to be opposites, it just somehow spewed out that way - I am glad you noticed it though!
I understand about the cliche thing. This piece and others I have written are more about me jotting down ideas and helping me see what my characters look like on paper when I translate them from the visions in my mind. Matthew is not significant overall, except to help the reader see what kind of person Alyssiah really is. I will take care in choosing my victims when I really get to writing the novel.
I will edit my grammatical mistakes.
Thanks so much for taking time to read and comment on this!!

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HugQueen In reply to MidoriiBlue [2008-09-30 21:55:48 +0000 UTC]

You are so welcome dear!
I figured but it just seemed so perfect the way you knew something wasn't right with her and it just fit in wonderfuly.

Ahh, well with that taken into consideration I see why you made him a flat characters. However, I think it's good practice if you make all the characters well-rounded, even if it's justjotting down character ideas.

They are minor, nothing too big just thought I'd point them out.

You are very welcome! ^_____^ I'm glad I could help!

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MidoriiBlue In reply to HugQueen [2008-10-01 17:33:13 +0000 UTC]

Point taken

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HugQueen In reply to MidoriiBlue [2008-10-01 18:32:35 +0000 UTC]

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KaneUsagi [2008-06-28 19:41:50 +0000 UTC]

Very nice. Almost succubus like. I'd like to see where this story goes in the future!

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MidoriiBlue In reply to KaneUsagi [2008-06-30 14:26:28 +0000 UTC]

Thanks!! I have so many ideas running in my head on this story line that I need to just start nailing some down. Hopefully I will have more to post soon.

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KaneUsagi In reply to MidoriiBlue [2008-07-01 19:14:34 +0000 UTC]

Awesome! Can't wait!

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Renco08 [2008-06-26 17:18:44 +0000 UTC]

Really good story with very strong characters, not too sure about the period though. The interaction between Alyssiah and Matty is quite intense, which I really enjoyed.

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MidoriiBlue In reply to Renco08 [2008-06-26 18:04:30 +0000 UTC]

Thanks so much for your comments! By period do you mean, timeframe in history?

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Renco08 In reply to MidoriiBlue [2008-06-26 18:06:54 +0000 UTC]

Sorry, yes that's what I meant, I was guessing late 1800s

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MidoriiBlue In reply to Renco08 [2008-06-26 18:13:36 +0000 UTC]

I actually have not really found a specific time period to base my story off of. I have some more research to do and this is to take place in a world similar to earth, but not earth itself so the dates and such will be totally fabricated. If I had to pick a timeframe to compare it to as it stands now, I would say more around the 1600's. If I may ask what made you think of the 1800's? Anything specific?

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Renco08 In reply to MidoriiBlue [2008-06-26 18:19:55 +0000 UTC]

I think it's the clothing references, seemed to me to be early Victorian, but what you just said makes more sense now.

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MidoriiBlue In reply to Renco08 [2008-06-26 19:48:34 +0000 UTC]

Very good, I can see that. Thanks for the insight

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Renco08 In reply to MidoriiBlue [2008-06-26 20:03:04 +0000 UTC]

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FireOpal14 [2008-06-26 17:13:32 +0000 UTC]

This was excellent! Very well written!

If you write any more of this story can you please let me know!

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MidoriiBlue In reply to FireOpal14 [2008-06-26 18:05:02 +0000 UTC]

Thanks so much for your comment!!

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FireOpal14 In reply to MidoriiBlue [2008-06-26 18:07:40 +0000 UTC]

It was deserved! I think you are a gifted writer!

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MidoriiBlue In reply to FireOpal14 [2008-06-26 18:08:20 +0000 UTC]

Wow! I am glad you think so!

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FireOpal14 In reply to MidoriiBlue [2008-06-26 18:47:50 +0000 UTC]

definitely!

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