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Red-Lilly — My Moon
Published: 2010-06-01 21:28:47 +0000 UTC; Views: 676; Favourites: 19; Downloads: 19
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Description
Heart strings pulled looseRoots uprooted
Far-flung to a place
A place of restlessness
My moon so close yet so far
That is what I yearn for
Wrapped up in silken ribbons of light
Yet the burning sun keeps me captive
In its searing ropes
Its sister time
The ever careful onlooker
Keeps me restrained ever further
With her ever passing cycles
I yearn to escape
Escape to the slow eternity of the moon
Her embrace like the petals of a rose
Her kiss like a thousand raindrops
Her home among the stars
Humming out their untameable melodies
The heart aches at such an incomparable beauty
That is where I long to be
Where I belong
Home with the moon
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Comments: 12
Very well written in ways of imagery indeed! You use great metaphors and similes. I agree with others' comments on punctuation. For example, I believe a reader should be able to read your work however it comes to them, but there should always definitely be some structure with it. You should guide the reader down a certain path so they get EXACTLY what you meant at certain parts and how you want other parts to be read, you know, to increase connotative meaning. Other than that though I think it's great haha, don't let my critique fool you, I did so because I really liked it!
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thank you~ and i very much appreciate the criticism i tried to fix the structure a little myself...but i guess it does need a little work lol
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You use some lovely imagery - the opening particularly grabs the reader's attention with beautiful images and assonance. As for the flow, it's mostly great, but it does get a bit too smooth in some places; adding a bit of punctuation here and there would just pace it a little more, and help to clarify your meanings in some places.
And I agree with angeljunkie, you could split that line 'yet the burning sun' to help pace it: perhaps between 'keeps me' and 'captive'.
Overall, very nice work! (:
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thank you so much for the input! i think i will change that
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I think the flow is okay, except in two places - the line "That I what I yearn for" possibly has a typo? And then I think the line "Yet the burning sun..." is a tad too long and could be split into two separate lines.
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thank you i will check that typo thing and i think i will change that line
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The flow is fantastic and your wording seemed fine to me.
This was very sensual and the imagery was brilliant.
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Thank you ^w^ im glad you like it
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