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vix0r — Freedom

Published: 2006-06-02 14:11:45 +0000 UTC; Views: 139; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 5
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Description “I am certainly alive today,”
          I think as I breathe fresh air.
                    Although the sky may be shades of grey,
                              I am certainly alive today.

                    I struggle to keep at bay
          a sense of freedom too profound to bear.
“I am certainly alive today,”
          I think as I breathe fresh air.
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Comments: 4

TheBrassGlass [2008-09-21 04:33:22 +0000 UTC]

It has a good rhythm, but I think you could go further and be more detailed with the imagery. This piece is a bit abstract only because it deals with concepts rather than concrete things. If that makes any sense? I'd like to see you do another, and with more imagery.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

vix0r In reply to TheBrassGlass [2008-09-23 22:41:53 +0000 UTC]

I think that does make sense. Thank you for the wonderful comment! I'll let you know when and if I do write another!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

ThornyEnglishRose [2006-06-04 17:02:08 +0000 UTC]

I love the shape of this one. Interesting rhyme scheme with simple, unforced rhymes. The repetition is effective, and it's a lovely sentiment too.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

vix0r In reply to ThornyEnglishRose [2006-06-05 02:56:30 +0000 UTC]

You're too kind. Thanks!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0