HOME | DD
Aro-chan — GREAT WHITE MOON
by-nd
Published: 2010-01-07 12:29:41 +0000 UTC; Views: 837; Favourites: 14; Downloads: 6
Redirect to original
Description
I am the one who keeps awake to watchClouds drift across the great white moon
The sandman often withholds from me
Beads from which dreams are sewn
My memories of love haunt me
Still pure--like a new born dove
Great white moon with me tonight
Speak to me from the skies above
For so long I have been suffocated
By the loneliness I cannot breathe
I open the window to let in air, but
The night stares blindly back at me
His ghost stands in the dusty curtains
Then disappears without a trace
Like clouds across a pool, I read
His thoughts across his ghostly face
I know him well, I remember him
His eyes I once thought divine
Once when I prayed for his heart
Believing it could be mine
Staring at the ghost fondly thus
What vision should I see?
None, but my own pale yellow face
That grins and mimics me
Clouds shift across the great white moon
I listen to the ticking of the clock
The calendar says a year has passed
Changed only is the door's lock
Sleep finally comes to close my eyes
Asleep, in the dying dark
Hope's fluttering now disturbs no more
The perfect sleep of my heart
Related content
Comments: 12
seems & reminds me of my night last night - filled with loneliness & remembrances
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
you have the wordsmithery down--I can tell that you know how to handle yourself within language. and yeah, the last two lines of that last stanza are wow; "hope" as a disturbance, and "sleep" wracked with melancholy, terrifying overtones. it's nice.
now, as far as the format goes--if you're going to work in rhyming poetry, you've gotta watch the cadence. some of these lines (especially the first stanza) just didn't FLOW right in my head; either they had too many syllables or not enough. try reading things out loud to yourself while tapping your finger to the beat (or put on a metronome and read along with that). you'll catch imbalances out loud that you might have looked over in print.
keep it up. = )
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
I've been writing rhyming poetry since I was seven 
did you read the non-visual one? i had to mutilate my precious poem to make it work as a visual, I felt so bad later I thought I'd never make a visual again. It didn't flow period
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
this is the non-visual one, yes. arrgh, sometimes medium crossover like that is just annoying; I feel your pain. xD
improvement is never as obvious to the ones improving. sometimes I feel like I'm getting WORSE, but I know that can't be true. xD
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
*sniff* But I think that non-visuals that are better as non-visuals are also better left alone. What say?
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
This should probably be in the 'Fixed' category, as it doesn't follow a limerick's form. There are a couple of lines where the sentence structure is made awkward by the need to rhyme, "The only change is the door's lock", for instance.
"For so long have I been suffocated
By the loneliness I cannot breathe"
I'm not sure whether this means "For so long I have been suffocated by the loneliness. I cannot breathe." or "For so long I have been suffocated by the loneliness I cannot breathe." If it's the former, then the 'the' is unnecessary. If it's the latter, then I'm not sure how you can breathe loneliness anyway. Either way, I think some punctuation would help a lot.
(Typo - "thought's" should be "thoughts")
I like the idea though, and the repetition of "great white moon".
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Ah I agree with you on the first part. Tell me, do I compromise on the mysterious touch I'm trying to give it as well? How do you think I could have improved it?
As for the limerick/fixed etc... well, I'm new here
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Wow for the last stanza. 
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
I'm being random with this, a limerick, a sonnet, a song... free verse. I merely write as I feel it.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0