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Description
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Cappy’s Random Rant
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I’m not eating pork due to the swine flu. Call me chicken. In fact, chicken is more delicious anyway. I simply don’t trust reports of “well, if you just cook pork properly then it’s safe to eat!
Really.
Really?
REALLY?!
Lemme ask ya, who the crap is eating raw pig? Like there are sow licking contests in barns across the nation (note: please do not tell me if there actually are sow licking competitions). By the by, a sow is a female pig. You’ve learned something today!

When confronted by vegan friends, I say “If God didn’t want us to eat animals, then He wouldn’t have made them so tasty!” But I’m a bridge builder, so I follow up with “Look, if you want to convince people to not eat meat, tell ‘em what happens when people undercook pork. There are these worms that live in pig blood, and if they survive preparation, then the worms bury inside humans. One news article talked about a worm that penetrated a woman’s brain and caused neurological problems!”

As you can tell, I have the ability to utterly destroy the things you love with the sheer amount of incidental information my brain picks up. I may not know my multiplication table, but my brain has determined that I’ll need to retain the level select code to Sonic The Hedgehog 2.
…19-65-09-17.
Stupid packrat brain. And speaking of destroying things you love…

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Cappy’s Rockin’ Rendition
====================
This is where the obligatory please-don’t-try-to-ban-my-joke-pictures plea goes.
So!
If you enjoy the ‘Kingdom Hearts’ franchise, that’s your prerogative. But people are entitled to dislike the series. People are then entitled to draw pictures mocking the series. And offended fans are entitled to tell those critics how misunderstood the series is with its deep and engaging story and nostalgic characters…which is why you draw gay sex cartoons about them.

My hope is, however, that haters and lovers can get together and laugh at either my drawing or my description. I’ve been told once that my bashing rants can even be funny to those being bashed. Thus, if you’re an open minded fan, try to read my rant before threatening to write a fanfic where Sephiroth and Mickey molest me in the bathroom stall of an Olive Garden.

And I know three of you just got turned on by that concept.

====================
Today On Cappy’s Crappy List: Kingdom Hearts!
====================
“CAPPY UR JUST H8ING TEH GAME CUZ ITS POOPULAR 2 DO!!!!!”
Yeah? Well drawing smut of the game seems to be popular too but I haven’t jumped on that bandwagon.

You shouldn’t be surprised though. For in the Book Of Revelations, Saint John predicted that Cappy would write a Kingdom Hearts review so scathing that it would bring about Armageddon.
It’s there look it up.
But it’s hard to review a game series I haven’t finished but have tried to play.
The key being “tried”.
I pop in a disc, take up the controller, and within several minutes, this unmerciful crushing force pile drives me in the nuts. It’s the realization that I am a grown-ass man, using time allotted for grown-ass responsibilities, to play Fanfic: The Game.

In reality, that’s an insult to fanfic writers, because they at least ATTEMPT to explain the reason for different series being text dumped into the same space instead of SquarEnix’s “OH THERE’S THESE DOORS THAT LET PEOPLE GO INTO EACH OTHERS’ GAMES SO IT’S COOL”. Holy crap, did SquarEnix just rip off the storyline to ‘Captain N: Game Master’?!

Of course, most of the fanbase is too young to know of Captain N’s pioneering technique of butchering the cash cow with more licensed character references than a ‘Family Guy’ episode. And of course, most of the fanbase is too young to have even played the games that Kingdom Hearts is using. It kinda reminds me of Sega’s use of the Chaotix team in Sonic The Hedgehog games, with kids never having experienced the rainbow sherbert acid trip of their 32X origin.

Luckily, it doesn’t matter if you haven’t played any Final Fantasy games, because their cameo is utterly moot.
“HEY! REMEMBER HOW I HAD SUCH A TRAGIC STORYLINE AND ALL THE COOL LIMIT BREAKS IN THAT ONE GAME?! WELL IT DOESN’T MATTER CUZ I’M HERE TO TEACH YOU ABOUT FRUGAL SHOPPING TECHNIQUES.”

I mean, the first cameos in the game are from Final Fantasy X, and they apparently live on the island with the main characters. Why? Dunno. I never played that game, and the characters fail to give off any personality traits as to insinuate just why they should be hanging out on Survivor: Jailbait Edition. Can Wakka suppress his pedoriffic urges from seeing Sora and Riku dressed in inappropriate leather and chains gear and avoid the three strikes law?!
Will he break down and place his BLITZBALLS on the youths?!
Thanks to google search for that last sentence.

Also, I’m shocked that kids have no idea of Aeris’ unfortunate history in her original game. Yes, spelled without a ‘th’ cuz that’s how it was spelled in the only game I actually cared about with her in it. ‘Aerith’ sounds more like a reproductive organ (Sephiroth stabs her right in the aerith!!). You’d think that somebody would persuade Aeris to not go thru the plot loophole door back to her single-digit-polygonal-count world.

About the art. It’s pretty blatant that Disney Co. had NO EFFING idea what kind of fanbase follows SquarEnix. Otherwise you’d have to imagine that some Japanese businessman went in front of Robert Iger and the Disney board and proclaimed “Our merger would allow profits unlike anything Disney has ever seen…but the downside is that the customers are imagining cartoon dongs on all the characters. That cool?”
So not cool.
In fact, I’m sure that Disney is under the assumption that Sora and Riku are girls with surprisingly deep voices.

Off on a tangent: You know, I’m preeeetty convinced that Final Fantasy VII kicked off the metrosexual game character designs. It’s not a good design if girls can cosplay the male characters…AND ARE DEAD RINGERS. Com’mon Japan, start putting mustaches on everyone! Or at least design them topless, and really put those authentic-detail-oriented-obsessed cosplayers in a conundrum!
-The “Yes, The Art Title Insinuates Just What You Think It Does” Cappy

Description
====================
Cappy’s Random Rant
====================
I’m not eating pork due to the swine flu. Call me chicken. In fact, chicken is more delicious anyway. I simply don’t trust reports of “well, if you just cook pork properly then it’s safe to eat!
Really.
Really?
REALLY?!
Lemme ask ya, who the crap is eating raw pig? Like there are sow licking contests in barns across the nation (note: please do not tell me if there actually are sow licking competitions). By the by, a sow is a female pig. You’ve learned something today!

When confronted by vegan friends, I say “If God didn’t want us to eat animals, then He wouldn’t have made them so tasty!” But I’m a bridge builder, so I follow up with “Look, if you want to convince people to not eat meat, tell ‘em what happens when people undercook pork. There are these worms that live in pig blood, and if they survive preparation, then the worms bury inside humans. One news article talked about a worm that penetrated a woman’s brain and caused neurological problems!”

As you can tell, I have the ability to utterly destroy the things you love with the sheer amount of incidental information my brain picks up. I may not know my multiplication table, but my brain has determined that I’ll need to retain the level select code to Sonic The Hedgehog 2.
…19-65-09-17.
Stupid packrat brain. And speaking of destroying things you love…

====================
Cappy’s Rockin’ Rendition
====================
This is where the obligatory please-don’t-try-to-ban-my-joke-pictures plea goes.
So!
If you enjoy the ‘Kingdom Hearts’ franchise, that’s your prerogative. But people are entitled to dislike the series. People are then entitled to draw pictures mocking the series. And offended fans are entitled to tell those critics how misunderstood the series is with its deep and engaging story and nostalgic characters…which is why you draw gay sex cartoons about them.

My hope is, however, that haters and lovers can get together and laugh at either my drawing or my description. I’ve been told once that my bashing rants can even be funny to those being bashed. Thus, if you’re an open minded fan, try to read my rant before threatening to write a fanfic where Sephiroth and Mickey molest me in the bathroom stall of an Olive Garden.

And I know three of you just got turned on by that concept.

====================
Today On Cappy’s Crappy List: Kingdom Hearts!
====================
“CAPPY UR JUST H8ING TEH GAME CUZ ITS POOPULAR 2 DO!!!!!”
Yeah? Well drawing smut of the game seems to be popular too but I haven’t jumped on that bandwagon.

You shouldn’t be surprised though. For in the Book Of Revelations, Saint John predicted that Cappy would write a Kingdom Hearts review so scathing that it would bring about Armageddon.
It’s there look it up.
But it’s hard to review a game series I haven’t finished but have tried to play.
The key being “tried”.
I pop in a disc, take up the controller, and within several minutes, this unmerciful crushing force pile drives me in the nuts. It’s the realization that I am a grown-ass man, using time allotted for grown-ass responsibilities, to play Fanfic: The Game.

In reality, that’s an insult to fanfic writers, because they at least ATTEMPT to explain the reason for different series being text dumped into the same space instead of SquarEnix’s “OH THERE’S THESE DOORS THAT LET PEOPLE GO INTO EACH OTHERS’ GAMES SO IT’S COOL”. Holy crap, did SquarEnix just rip off the storyline to ‘Captain N: Game Master’?!

Of course, most of the fanbase is too young to know of Captain N’s pioneering technique of butchering the cash cow with more licensed character references than a ‘Family Guy’ episode. And of course, most of the fanbase is too young to have even played the games that Kingdom Hearts is using. It kinda reminds me of Sega’s use of the Chaotix team in Sonic The Hedgehog games, with kids never having experienced the rainbow sherbert acid trip of their 32X origin.

Luckily, it doesn’t matter if you haven’t played any Final Fantasy games, because their cameo is utterly moot.
“HEY! REMEMBER HOW I HAD SUCH A TRAGIC STORYLINE AND ALL THE COOL LIMIT BREAKS IN THAT ONE GAME?! WELL IT DOESN’T MATTER CUZ I’M HERE TO TEACH YOU ABOUT FRUGAL SHOPPING TECHNIQUES.”

I mean, the first cameos in the game are from Final Fantasy X, and they apparently live on the island with the main characters. Why? Dunno. I never played that game, and the characters fail to give off any personality traits as to insinuate just why they should be hanging out on Survivor: Jailbait Edition. Can Wakka suppress his pedoriffic urges from seeing Sora and Riku dressed in inappropriate leather and chains gear and avoid the three strikes law?!
Will he break down and place his BLITZBALLS on the youths?!
Thanks to google search for that last sentence.

Also, I’m shocked that kids have no idea of Aeris’ unfortunate history in her original game. Yes, spelled without a ‘th’ cuz that’s how it was spelled in the only game I actually cared about with her in it. ‘Aerith’ sounds more like a reproductive organ (Sephiroth stabs her right in the aerith!!). You’d think that somebody would persuade Aeris to not go thru the plot loophole door back to her single-digit-polygonal-count world.

About the art. It’s pretty blatant that Disney Co. had NO EFFING idea what kind of fanbase follows SquarEnix. Otherwise you’d have to imagine that some Japanese businessman went in front of Robert Iger and the Disney board and proclaimed “Our merger would allow profits unlike anything Disney has ever seen…but the downside is that the customers are imagining cartoon dongs on all the characters. That cool?”
So not cool.
In fact, I’m sure that Disney is under the assumption that Sora and Riku are girls with surprisingly deep voices.

Off on a tangent: You know, I’m preeeetty convinced that Final Fantasy VII kicked off the metrosexual game character designs. It’s not a good design if girls can cosplay the male characters…AND ARE DEAD RINGERS. Com’mon Japan, start putting mustaches on everyone! Or at least design them topless, and really put those authentic-detail-oriented-obsessed cosplayers in a conundrum!
-The “Yes, The Art Title Insinuates Just What You Think It Does” Cappy